The silence of the sheets

I have written about many of the overt and obvious behaviours that create problems in bed. There are the in-between-the-sheets problems, such as snoring and bed cover stealing, and the problems that are created 'around' sleeping, such as differing bed times and temperature requirements.

But there is also a silent sleeping issue that instills fear into a loved-one's hearts, or that fuels the fires of an angry interchange between bed-sharing partners.

Allan Pease would be a more informed writer on the topic - it's the non-verbals of not getting along.

We all know that non-verbals are as equal, if not more powerful, than verbals when it comes to how people 'talk' to each other. I have such strong memories of heading to bed with a partner after a fierce showdown and dreading having to lie next to him. The urge to punch and/or suffocate said partner was often strongly resisted, balanced equally with the desperately sought desire to sleep.

Similarly, I was often the person in the partnership racked with guilt about bad behaviour, but unable to climb over a high wall of pride to admit my wrong doings.

Either scenario, however, probably looked a little something like this.......

I'm neither a pyschologist, nor relationship counsellor, but I don't think that any of these images scream "I'm getting a great night's sleep!!". (Mind you, the men in pictures 1 and 3 do look particularly peaceful - I won't even go there)

Taking a stressful situation to bed with you is not an ideal environment in which to sleep. The non-verbals associated with an argument can become a physical presence in a bed with a couple. It's the other 'person' who comes to have a threesome, that you really didn't want or invite.

Turned backs, stiff bodies, seriously loud and exaggerated sighing, dramatic turns in the bed, and innocent pillows punched, can all add up to lying for hours staring at the clock, the ceiling, or the inside of your eyelids.

The double whammy comes in the morning when you both awake to try to sort out the problem. You've got a foggy head and are unable to reason through the issues, because you have barely slept and are genuinely incapable of good logic.

How about this for a suggestion? You and your partner have a disagreement/argument/
stoush/whammy of a fight; you say what you can to smooth some waters over before bed time (or not); you then agree that some time apart might give you space and the chance to think things through.

Logically, what I am working towards is separate beds - be it for a night or longer. I can hear thousands, nay millions screaming that you need to go to bed with your estranged partner to keep the intimacy there in times of crisis and how can you have 'great make up sex' if you're not lying next to each other?

Sorry. I just don't agree.

I think there are many times where time apart can give you physical, emotional and mental space to work through problems and come to resolution faster than sticking it out in that small shared space.

And honestly, it's a personal thing. If my husband and I cannot resolve a fight before we go to sleep (and he is best at trying to get it resolved) we will still make sure we say 'I love you' and agree to sort the problem out the next day (or the day after). We realise that a tired head and heart aren't always the best tools to solve a breakdown in our relationship.

So we fight like any other couple, but don't need to get in to bed together to sort out the problem. Make up sex still happens, but it's not dependent on getting into a shared bed.

When we do disagree though, neither of us have to lie next to a stiffened board, or a flailing animal in death throes, huffing and puffing, as they work through their anger. We still make our way to our own rooms, taking care of each other's emotions and enjoying the gentle and welcoming silence of our own sheets.

I can't bear sleeping with you!

I've written before about famous couples who are quite open about sleeping separately.

There's the Queen and Prince Phillip, Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton, Diane von Furstenberg and her husband, and Bob Ellis and his wife. (For the non-Australians, Bob Ellis is a political commentator and journalist).

However, I came across another famous couple who are separate sleepers. And this quite famous couple might surprise you - it certainly did me.

They are a couple that many people would not expect to sleep apart as the veneer of their life is one of a happy, normal family with two loving parents. They eat together, exercise together and take care of each other when their family unit is challenged.

For years, it didn't cross my mind that they were thought leaders in separate sleeping but have been getting the message out there since the beginning of the 20th century.

Readers, I give you Mother Bear and Father Bear.

To quote Goldilocks - on discovering their avant garde sleeping arrangement:

    She climbed on to Father Bear's bed and said "this bed is too high for me"
     She then climbed on to Mother Bear's bed and said "this bed is too low for me"
     She then lay down on Baby Bear's bed and said "this is exactly right"

They slept in separate beds!! How did I miss it?

If only they were still around to interview.

Feeling appy?

I have a chapter in my (yet to be finished, picked up by a publisher, or printed) book about the science of sleep.

Part of the chapter explains why us human folk will sometimes wake up feeling just grand and sometimes waking up feeling like a grand piano has landed on us (and may still be there). It's all to do with body clocks, circadian rhythms, sleep cycles, and goes something a little like this.

We all have a sleep cycle that we move through each time we close our eyes to rest. There are five stages to the sleep cycle; each cycle lasting approximately 90 minutes. Four stages are non-REM (rapid eye movement) and one stage is REM sleep, when we do most of our active dreaming and our eyes tend to move – hence the name.

Getting good, restorative sleep is not just a matter of spending enough hours in bed. The amount of time you spend in each of the stages of sleep matters. A normal adult spends approximately 50% of total sleep time in light sleep, 20% in REM sleep, and 30% in the remaining stages, including deep sleep.

Each stage of sleep in the sleep cycle offers benefits to the sleeper. However, deep sleep and REM sleep are particularly important.

The most damaging effects of sleep deprivation are from inadequate deep sleep. Deep sleep is a time when the body repairs itself and builds up energy for the day ahead. It plays a major role in maintaining general health, stimulating growth and development, repairing muscles and tissues, and boosting your immune system. In order to wake up energised and refreshed, getting quality deep sleep is key. Being woken in the night during the deep sleep or REM stages can impact significantly on the quality of sleep had each night and can contribute to an increase in the symptoms experienced from lack of sleep.

After telling a friend about this aspect of sleeping, she shared with me that she has an app on her iPhone that monitors your sleep cycles and wakes you up at some point within a half-hour window, but at an appropriate pace and time to coincide with what part of your sleep cycle you are in. The app is called Sleep Cycle.

It's a reasonably priced app and I really quite like it. As well as having very calming sounds to wake me, it does do the whole 'work out where I am in my sleep cycle and wake me appropriately' thing, but best of all - you get a very cool graph of your sleep pattern each night, a record of how long you have slept, and an average sleeping time over the nights you use it.

Example of sleep graph

I'm not on commission to sell the app - just wanted to share with any like-minded geeks who think that seeing your sleep pattern and knowing how long you have slept each night (and average sleeping times) will add value to your life.

It is certainly keeping me 'appy at the moment.

BTW - avg sleeping time over 19 nights is 7hrs 22mins.

Calling all separate sleepers - or wannabe separate sleepers....

I am wondering if anyone who reads my blog would be interested in sharing their thoughts, opinions or experiences with me?

I am looking for material for my book and am keen to hear from:

1. Couples who sleep separately - even if it's just one person from the couple
2. People who would like to sleep separately, but don't know how to raise the subject
3. People who still sleep with their partner, but have a hard time doing so
4. People who know people who might fall into the categories above and can be convinced to share with me

If you would be willing to share, I would dearly love to hear from you by email.

My address is:    jennyadams007@gmail.com

If you send me an email with a brief outline of your situation, I will send back some questions for you to answer.

The task won't be onerous (I promise) and there will be a form to fill in to provide your consent for participation in the book.

My fingers are crossed.

Thank you in anticipation.

Jenny

O bed! O bed! delicious bed! That heaven upon earth to the weary head.

What do you do in your bed?

Not such a simple question. Beds are more often than not a space more than just a place to sleep.

If you think back to your teens, were there times you lay on your bed and thought about your latest crush, read a book, wrote in your diary or read a secret letter?

For most people their bed is not just a utilitarian furniture installation for sleeping. Although, I concede that this may indeed be the case for a minority of people. I feel sorry for these folks.

Why? Because there is a degree of 'haven' to a bed, and I guess that's why I value my own bed even more so.

No-one has any control over what happens in my bed. I can choose everything about my bed with sheer indulgent selfishness. 

I choose:

• what colour my sheets and doona cover are
• how warm or cool the bed will be
• how many pillows are on the bed during the day
• and the night
• who is given permission to visit
• and who isn't
• where I will sleep on the bed each night
• what I do in the bed - sleep, read, think, stare at the ceiling, cry, chat on the phone, browse the net, play games on my phone

So am I horribly selfish because I don't want to give any of the above up? I don't know if I care that I am or am not. I'm certainly not trying to sound all tough, insolent and broody, just honest.

I recently spoke to a friend who, at the end of a conversation, said "I've got something to tell you". Talk about ominous! Talk about how MANY thoughts can race through my brain in approx 2 seconds!

Her revelation was that her husband and her had moved to separate rooms after quite a few years of marriage (don't know the exact figure, but their oldest is about 19).

Without too many details, she spoke mostly of the bliss of having her own space for the first time since she was a daughter living at home. I'm going to guess about 30+ years ago. When telling me about the new arrangements the tone of her voice lightened and her adjectives became excited and happy.

Knowing my thoughts on the subject, she was very excited to tell me about the move.

Knowing my thoughts on the subject, I was even more excited to hear her tell me about the move.

It's not that I advocate and encourage people to sleep apart, it's just that I could hear the happiness in her voice and could relate to every aspect of what she was telling me. It's knowing that there is another person out there who can understand a little more of how I feel that gives me confidence in my own decision and my ongoing pursuit of normalising the behaviour.

PS - She said their sex life is better now. I say I've got one word for that - 'Yay!!"

Getting the message out there

With much excitement, I received an email this morning from the folk at www.mamamia.com.au notifying me that an article I submitted back in September of 2011 was to be finally published.

The article can be viewed by clicking here.

Not sure how long the link will be valid for, but the excitement of seeing some of my words published, and then seeing the number of comments (101 to date - 8.46pm, 10.01.12) the article generated will live with me for a long, long time. I think this could be considered one of those Mastercard moments.

I would love to include each and every comment in this blog, as I feel genuinely excited that my article elicited such a response. Many of the comments thanked me for raising the issue and 'putting it out there', and I guess that is one of the aims of my writing about the subject. Many social stigmas have been removed or at least ameliorated by being pushed into the public domain and challenged. And I feel I have joined the ranks of those who have pushed through a great barrier, forged a new path, saved some souls...... and I'll stop there and come back to reality.

It is a good feeling though, to know that something you feel so strongly about really resonates with others who share a similar struggle.

Even more exciting was being asked to do two radio interviews on the back of the article. I was seriously nervous, but really happy to be talking about one of my favourite subjects on the radio - with lots of people listening.

The first interview was with Perth ABC lunchtime show, and the second was on 2UE in Sydney. The 2UE interview was particularly exciting as I was interviewed by Ian 'Dicko' Dickson. With the legacy of those thoughtless comments directed at 'Paulini' on Idol in 2003, I was feeling a tad nervous. However, he couldn't have been friendlier or funnier.

It was all good.

So today I feel as though I have trumpted the message of separate sleeping from one side of Australia to the other!

(103 comments - 9.10pm. Yay!!)

The ultimate sacrifice

What would you do if your partner told you that they would break up with you if you didn't sleep in the same bed with them? This is a partner who snores loudly, has restless legs, and keeps you awake night after night to the point that you are physically and mentally falling apart.

I interviewed a lady recently whose most recent relationship ended because her partner refused to even consider sleeping in separate rooms. She described him as being very conservative and always following the 'right path' and this right path for him was that 'men and women in a couple share a bed every night'. Why? Because "that's what they do".

The norms and traditions that were ingrained in him from his family (who knows how many generations back) did not allow him to consider a situation that was different, to the extent that he was prepared to walk away from an otherwise happy and functional six year relationship.

I find that absolutely fascinating.

The fact that he could not conceive of a solution that would enable him to continue to be with the woman he loved, simply because of what he had been told was the 'right' thing to do when in a relationship with a woman.

The definition of a tradition is that it is a ritual, belief or object passed down within a society, still maintained in the present, with origins in the past. The word 'tradition' itself derives from the Latin tradere or traderer literally meaning to transmit, to hand over, to give for safekeeping.

Can't you just imagine the words and actions of this man's father that were so influential that they resonated so strongly for so many years?

Traditions can have such a dominating force over people that they blind them to logic and good sense and dictate behaviours that ultimately can be destructive.

I guess there is the practice of many traditions that may lead to the eventual break down of relationships. Where and how you celebrate Christmas, the attention given to a person on their birthday, the importance given to a particular sport, or sporting event - all of these activities can carry with them years of practice and behaviours that can ultimately put pressure on a happy couple. I am sure (if anyone is reading) that people would have many examples of either their own family, or someone they know.

I've never been one for traditions myself - not simply for the sake of having them anyway. I certainly don't let traditions define me if the definition is at odds with where I stand as an individual.

Traditionally, part of the criteria that judges western couples as being 'successful' are such behaviours as spending celebrations together, holidaying together and the list goes on....... especially to include, sleeping in the same bed together.

The lady interviewed is now happily in another relationship, if not altogether happy that she found the need to be in a new relationship. She told me she will never share a bed again as she so cherishes her bed and bedroom as her own.

I must agree that that's a tradition I can support!

s....e....x....

I was interviewing a person for the book last week and towards the end of the interview she asked if I was going to ask her about sex. Was I interested in her and her husband's sex life in the context of them having separate rooms?

Well yes, I was - but I was a little hesitant to ask. I'm still getting comfortable with my interviews but plan to come right out and ask the question next time round.

I must admit, that when the topic of sleeping separately arises, so often, so do the questions about sex.

• Where does it happen?
• When does it happen?
• How is it instigated?

But mostly..... does it happen?

Let's take a minute.

Close your eyes and remember when you first started having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you live together? Did you sleep in the same bed every night? Did you even sleep in the same bed any night?

My guess is that you didn't share a bed night after night, but you did manage to find a way to have sex with each other. As do separate sleepers.

As I am at pains to point out, couples who are choosing to sleep separately aren't doing so because they don't like each other or are angry with each other, it's a practical solution to a practical problem (broken record noise inserted here). So there is still a physical attraction to your partner and you still want to have sex with them.

Keeping a sex life exciting between a long-term couple has spawned a library of books and self-help columns. There are some basics that we have learned and one of these is to try and keep your sex life exciting by not just relying on slipping in to bed every night and hoping the partner is keen to 'get it on'.

Long term couples often fall out of nude sleeping, sexy lingerie, scented candles and dimmed lights and more into practical sleep wear and a plethora of less-than-sexy habits and 'add-ons' they gather around them as they get older.

If this clip from the movie 'Date Night' resonates, you get what I mean.

The Ask Men website - written for men, by men (I assume) - even advocates sleeping separately to spice up your sex life in the article 'The Argument for Separate Beds'.

(This is the first overly male focussed discussion on the topic I have found - I'm thrilled.)

So let me answer the questions. I can confidently provide the answers based on my own experience, the experience of my co-author Sue, and the experiences of all seven couples we have interviewed to date.

Where does it happen?

In one of the beds, or in another location in the house - again, remember those early dating days.

When does it happen?

When you both feel like having sex - in the morning, the evening, the afternoon, etc etc, just like everyone else.

How is it instigated?

Probably more proactively seeing as you don't just expect to see your partner in bed every night. In fact, dare I suggest that it might even make the pre-sex stage a little more exciting as one of you has to instigate the event.

And does it happen?

Yes.

It's just s...e...x.... 

We've been doing it for years and ain't gonna let some little thing like separate beds get in the way.

Now I lay me down to sleep

Sleeping is no mean art:  for its sake one must stay awake all day.  

Friedrich Nietzsch

As I contemplate where I will take a Sunday afternoon nap, (due to very broken's night's sleep) I started thinking about human's need for sleep. This is a subject that I do tend to think about often, considering the amount of time I find myself writing about it lately. 

For me, the primary and most dominant motivation for sleeping separately is my need for sleep. I create living nightmares for others when I don't get enough of it and have always watched all my mother friends with admiration as they carried on their lives while coping with the loss of sleep of due to babies and young children.

I thought I would share a few good websites I have come across recently that deal with the science of sleep - or more importantly the effects of the lack thereof.

The Australian Sleep Association

The ASA is the peak scientific body in Australia & New Zealand representing clinicians, scientists and researchers in the broad area of Sleep. 

National Sleep Foundation

Waking America to the importance of sleep

Catalyst Online Edition Sleep Special

Australian Broadcast Commission (ABC) show Catalyst has put together a great range of videos that deal with the importance of sleep

End Your Sleep Deprivation

An American site dedicated to research into sleep deprivation

I hope my very small readership might find something of interest to them.

Flawed design

Sorry men - but the fact is you snore more than women. It's not your fault per se - it's a design flaw.

I am not suggesting that women don't snore at all, but I don't think I am too far out of line to say that it is men who do tend to be the high achievers in this activity.

In trying to find some hard evidence to back my bold statement, I found a great statement:

More researchers have coincided that up to 80% of men snore at some time, double the number compared to women, and about 40% of them snore every night.

For those who have already picked up the rather questionable sentence construction and grammar usage, well done. Then I hope that the bold quoting of statistics has your heckles raised as mine were too. Yes - I think that the entry in the Softpedia website, may require a very healthy dose of scepticism, which is such a pity as the 'stats' are just the sort of hard-hitting justification I need for my book.

(The fact that the word 'research' in the paragraph preceding the stats leads to an online selling system really did cement my despair)

I then found a video called 'Street Doctors' and thought this might provide more credible information. Turns out Street Doctors did have a doctor.... but as for any sort of in-depth answers to the snoring battle of the sexes..... you make up your mind.

(You may also have noticed one of the compelling social issues that Street Doctors tackles is 'Is Sperm Nutritious?'. This may give away their commitment to dealing with the hard hitting medical issues of the day)

I did finally find a believable medical explanation for the higher incidence of men snoring that made sense, after repeated reading. Well, I'm sure it would have made a little more sense if I had some 'Anatomy 101' in my academic repetoire.

This entry is written by a doctor - Dr Steven Y. Park MC - on his eponymous website. Dr Park's 'mission' is to help treat breathing problems to give people a better quality of life. He seems legit - decent website, reassuring photo, and an easy to understand video of himself talking about medical procedures for snoring.

I wouldn't attempt to summarise his explanation for the increase in snoring for men, and encourage my readers to click here to see the detail. What did catch my eye though, was another explanation for why women are 'lighter' sleepers than men. Not only do we have to contend with hormonal interference in our ability to sleep but a smaller space behind our tongue means that we are prone to being aroused from deep sleep because of interference in our breathing.

So men are more susceptible to snoring due to a design feature and women are more susceptible to lighter sleeping due a design feature - both features working against the other and resulting in disturbed sleep for all.

And so we face another challenge when hopping in to bed with each other each night, and it's one we really don't have any control over - unless someone has found that warranty document to take back to the manufacturer.