The list we need to talk about....

I am feeling all smug and boastful at the moment after the female of a couple who recently stayed with us conceded that sleeping with her partner was not what she really wanted to be doing any more. The plans for her alternate existence involved having her own room where she wasn't interrupted by the short, sharp, but loud and repetitive snorts her husband emitted every night - some nights, louder and more often than others.

She explained to me though that it was what they were expected to do as they were married - they are in their late 60s.

This lady shared that she believed her partner would be most upset, because of the perceived rejection, if she were to suggest they sleep separately. She then, very quickly, followed this up with a well-rehearsed explanation that went something like "even though his snoring keeps me awake at night, it's so special to know that he is there next to me and when we wake next to each other and can lie and chat in bed, it makes all those sleepless nights seem worthwhile".

I do get that part of sleeping together, but the longing look on her face when she spoke about sleeping in her own bed belied the propaganda overtones of her generation's spiel.

As I have stated before, and will continue to do so, I am not anti bed-sharing. I am honestly jealous of those couples who get enough quality sleep each night in the company of their loved one. However, I feel dismay in equal proportions for those people who subject themselves to night after night of broken sleep for the sake of a social construct.

So while there is much that is warm, fuzzy and wonderful (low grade, blatant sarcasm noted by self) about sharing a bed, I put to you readers the list of what can go wrong.

I am supremely confident that I have not captured all the issues faced by couples who undertake the treacherous task of sleeping with each other, and invite anyone so inclined to add to the list either by comment or by email to me. Any new 'issues' will be included in the book.

This list is in no particular order; it includes both in-bed issues and what I call issued 'around' sleeping; some of the issues are ones that we don't really like to talk about (see the last three); and some are specific to a particular time in your life.

However, they are all behaviours or situations that can keep one or both people in the same bed from sleeping, and when they occur night after night, after night, after night....... you have to wonder.

Well, I do.

1. Snoring
2. Movement by partner
3. Sleeping with kids
4. Sleeping with pets
5. Loud breathing
6. Differing temperature needs
7. Getting up in the night to go to the toilet, get a drink, have a wander….
8. Reading in bed – lights on, noise of pages turning
9. Using computer, phone or other device in bed
10. Eating in bed
11. Watching TV in bed
12. Level of sound in the room
13. Level of light in the room
14. How you are woken – device for waking and the level of noise
15. The size of the bed
16. The firmness of the bed
17. Who gets to sleep on which side of the bed
18. Sheet textures
19. Amount and size of pillows
20. Differing sleep positions
21. To cuddle or not to cuddle
22. Teeth grinding
23. Sweating
24. Waking from dreams and nightmares
25. Going to bed angry
26. Sleep walking
27. Sleep talking
28. Insomnia
29. Illness – temporary or long term
30. Sleeping in the nude
31. Farting
32. Sleeping in the wet spot

Are there more? Please add to the list if you can.

I'm glad we got to share.

Flawed design

Sorry men - but the fact is you snore more than women. It's not your fault per se - it's a design flaw.

I am not suggesting that women don't snore at all, but I don't think I am too far out of line to say that it is men who do tend to be the high achievers in this activity.

In trying to find some hard evidence to back my bold statement, I found a great statement:

More researchers have coincided that up to 80% of men snore at some time, double the number compared to women, and about 40% of them snore every night.

For those who have already picked up the rather questionable sentence construction and grammar usage, well done. Then I hope that the bold quoting of statistics has your heckles raised as mine were too. Yes - I think that the entry in the Softpedia website, may require a very healthy dose of scepticism, which is such a pity as the 'stats' are just the sort of hard-hitting justification I need for my book.

(The fact that the word 'research' in the paragraph preceding the stats leads to an online selling system really did cement my despair)

I then found a video called 'Street Doctors' and thought this might provide more credible information. Turns out Street Doctors did have a doctor.... but as for any sort of in-depth answers to the snoring battle of the sexes..... you make up your mind.

(You may also have noticed one of the compelling social issues that Street Doctors tackles is 'Is Sperm Nutritious?'. This may give away their commitment to dealing with the hard hitting medical issues of the day)

I did finally find a believable medical explanation for the higher incidence of men snoring that made sense, after repeated reading. Well, I'm sure it would have made a little more sense if I had some 'Anatomy 101' in my academic repetoire.

This entry is written by a doctor - Dr Steven Y. Park MC - on his eponymous website. Dr Park's 'mission' is to help treat breathing problems to give people a better quality of life. He seems legit - decent website, reassuring photo, and an easy to understand video of himself talking about medical procedures for snoring.

I wouldn't attempt to summarise his explanation for the increase in snoring for men, and encourage my readers to click here to see the detail. What did catch my eye though, was another explanation for why women are 'lighter' sleepers than men. Not only do we have to contend with hormonal interference in our ability to sleep but a smaller space behind our tongue means that we are prone to being aroused from deep sleep because of interference in our breathing.

So men are more susceptible to snoring due to a design feature and women are more susceptible to lighter sleeping due a design feature - both features working against the other and resulting in disturbed sleep for all.

And so we face another challenge when hopping in to bed with each other each night, and it's one we really don't have any control over - unless someone has found that warranty document to take back to the manufacturer.