Decisions... decisions...

 

How do you and your partner come to a decision when you don't agree?

It's a tough task.

Not every situation will result in a win-win and there will be many times that one of you does not get what you want. And that just plain sux! Especially when it's you.

John Gottman is a psychologist who runs The Love Lab says he can predict how long a couple will last, not by study how well they get along, but how well they don't.

(Inserted comment section: while I like John's thoughts about couples working through conflict, am a little disturbed by the smiles of John and his wife and John's hat in the section that advertises sex videos)



(Oh, and I haven't looked at the sex videos from the "privacy of my own home" as I am don't want to find out it they feature him and his wife) (Sometimes mystery is a good thing.)

Anyhoo.... back to the point! How well you get through the tough times - and disagreeing can be very tough sometimes - is definitely a defining feature of ANY relationship. This includes your friends, your family and those folk you have to spend inordinate amounts of time with at work. (Am very jealous if you love all your work mates).

Unless you are a person who goes with flow so much you resemble a lazy river of molten magma, there will be times when you disagree with others and either have to, or want to stand your ground. And how does that look for you?

Do you dig your heels in every time? Make a valiant attempt to stand your ground, but feebly give in when things get tough? Do you give in all the time for the sake of peace? Do you run logic arguments and keep a tally of who has won x number of disagreements in the last year?

There's no right and wrong answer and no magic solution. There are a lot of counsellors, self-help books and websites you can go to for help though - and that's maybe not a bad thing.

My husband and I are both quite definite in what we like and don't. It makes for some tough conversations. When I give in, I'll often think "I'll remember that for next time and use it as amunition when I want to get my way", but fortunately, my memory is not that great on such minutia. Ultimately that strategy is not worth the effort anyway. I do give in on 'stuff' though, but don't ever pretend that I am happy about it. I'm not talking sulking, resentful behaviour - just honesty.

And when I give in and don't get what I want, I do it with grace! Which is my biggest 'thing'. If you do give in - do it with grace or DON'T DO IT!

How is this in anyway related to sleeping separately? Well, what happens when one person wants to sleep separately and one doesn't? Now there is a monumental discord.

I spoke to four couples who are in that situation and can I tell you, the conversations were tense. In all couples, it was the man who did not want the separate rooms. I can report that the couples were sleeping separately, but with a heavy mist of unease cool-ly swirling in the hallways of the house.

And realistically, that might be all they will ever get. An uneasy truce. Why should the husband have to all of sudden decide that he is happy about sleeping separately from his wife? And why should the wife endure night after night of no sleep because of a snoring husband?

Unfortunately folks what we have here is an unwinnable situation - and they do exist. Not every disagreement has a happy ending. But do you walk away from what might be a very happy and functioning relationship because you can't get your way in one situation? I know that question has to be answered in the context of what the situation is (e.g., Fifty Shades of Grey type dilemmas).

I'm not offering an answer - because there is none. Back to a common theme of mine - every relationship is different and every person is different. Your life is what you want and that makes it OK. Sometimes though, it's good to stop and ponder your own behaviour, so that when one of those tricky situations arises, you may have some internal preparation done in readiness.

Goodness, goodness me life can be tough!

A meek but enthusiastic return

Even though I don't have too many followers and am not completely inundated with views (even though I was beyond excited when I hit 1000 - I have even more since then) I feel compelled to explain my absence of 3 months and 3 days.

All of my writing energies have been completely channelled on finishing my book.

With the manuscript submitted last Monday, I am re-discovering:

• housework
• gardening
• shelves in my fridge
• free time during the week and on weekends
• books read for pleasure
• clean surfaces in the study

All have been re-engineered with a tempting shimmer never seen before - yes even the shelves in the fridge. If anyone had told me I would one day be WANTING to clean my fridge I would have ripped their arms off and walked away. Lucky that person never approached me with such madness as they still live a productive and happy life complete with arms.

I am excited about the book. However................. until the publisher says "Jenny - it's all go and we'll be transforming your words into the next He's Just Not That Into You" I am self-managing my expectations with the skill and deftness of a panda wrangler.

At the moment, publication date is 26 March 2013 and I am praying that this day proves to be the end of a gigantic cycle of the universe where all planets align and this strangely causes many, many people to decide that sleeping separately is THE thing to do. They will all then need a book that gives them practical suggestions about doing it successfully - enter:

Sleeping apart... not falling apart:

A practical guide for couples who want a good night's sleep

Who wouldn't want to buy that!!

I look forward to returning to blogging. It's a creative squeeze that I do enjoy.

Another reason I was able to return to the blog was the completion of 50 Shades of Grey. Reading such title was my promise to myself upon completion of the manuscript.

I really should have organised a better reward for myself. More about that later.

We need to talk...

How well do you communicate?   (this is actually a trick question - don't answer it)

Making the move to sleep separately may require on of those conversations that start with a big, long breath and a pained expression. Even if both parties know it has to happen or even want it to happen, there is still a high chance that one of the couple might have their feelings hurt or just not be in the right space to hear the news.

A quick search on the internet for how to best communicate with your partner yields millions of results - 8m + to be a little more exact.

I find this most appropriate, for there are millions of ways that are both right and wrong to communicate with your partner.

The tricky part of communicating with anyone really is the variables. These are the tricky bits to navigate with each other that make talking with another person in the pursuit of an outcome a veritable mine field.

My challenge - time myself for a minute and think of as many variables as I can that affect good clear communication between couples. And go...

• time of the day
• what's on television at that time
• level of stress caused by work, children, public transport, finances, sporting results
• time of the month (a lady one)
• trying to initiate or build up to sex
• sporting success or lack thereof during the day
• career trajectory
• relationship with their or your friends and family
• mood swings
• amount of food sating a hungry belly
• amount of alcohol consumed, or not

There is SO (yes... capitals are necessary) much STUFF (yes... necessary again) that impacts on how well we communicate, that even if you have a gold medal in couples communication, there might be times when it all goes horribly wrong. This is why the question at the top is a trick question - sometimes we're great and sometimes we are bloody awful.

It's the design of humans. So flawed. So unreliable. So dodgy. So endearing.

So if you ever wanted to raise the topic of sleeping separately from your partner, but were too afraid, I may have the answer for you.

If I'd had access to a Manslater when raising the issue of separate sleeping with my husband, I think I would have chosen the Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.

When I told him that he would have to sleep in his room because of the snoring, but that I still loved him and still wanted to spend time with him, and that our relationship was going to be fine because I trusted that there was so much else between us that not sharing a bed at night wouldn't take away from our new life together, and that we would not lose the closeness between us - it would just have to be explicit in other 'things' we did together, and that I still found him attractive and wanted to maintain our sex life, my Manslater would have summed it up with....... "Hasta la vista, baby!".

Now that's communicating.

Anyone want to share?

Hello to the select few who read my blog!

I have asked before, but am making another plea - this one is dancing on the fringes of being empassioned - for any folk out there who either sleep separately themselves, or know of others who do, who would be willing to be interviewed for my book.

I now have a looming deal with a publisher and need more material for the book, so am keenly interested in talking to more separate sleepers.

You, or your friends/acquaintances/work mates/relatives, don't have to sleep separately all the time; the separateness may be a part-time arrangement, or a sometimes arrangement.

I am willing to email questions, or phone for a chat - whatever is convenient.

So if there's anyone who would like to share..... get in touch on

                  jennyadams007@gmail.com

Can I quote you on that.....

Quotation, n.: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Do you have a favourite quote? A saying, or three, by which you live your life and explain away certain actions or decisions? It may, or may not surprise you to learn that there are many quotes about sleeping. In fact, there are pages and pages on the internet - and I haven't even considered looking through books of quotes (don't know if their index will be thorough and swift as Google).

I am using two types of quotes in my book. More formal quotes that capture a particular theme or message of a chaper, and then the quotes of the various people I am interviewing or discovering on blogs and chat rooms.

I thought I would share some of my favourite quotes to date. I shalln't give reasons for the inclusion of each one - suffice to say they have tickled my fancy and pricked my interest for a variety of reasons. I offer them here for consideration and enlightenment.

“All this fuss about sleeping together.

For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day”.

Evelyn Waugh

“If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen”

George Carlin

"Roll, twist, struggle, kick, fuss, sigh" Anonymous

"I think there’s something wrong. Her parents aren’t sleeping in the same bed anymore."
Gretchen Wieners, “Mean Girls”

"While I understand that my husband needs to go to the toilet during the night, must the activity involve the broken waterfall effect, a couple of farts and that much sighing?."   Sue, married 12 years

"It’s one of life’s little luxuries." (comment about farting in bed)

Ross, 42, Draftsman
 

“Sleep is my drug of choice”, Tanlee

The silence of the sheets

I have written about many of the overt and obvious behaviours that create problems in bed. There are the in-between-the-sheets problems, such as snoring and bed cover stealing, and the problems that are created 'around' sleeping, such as differing bed times and temperature requirements.

But there is also a silent sleeping issue that instills fear into a loved-one's hearts, or that fuels the fires of an angry interchange between bed-sharing partners.

Allan Pease would be a more informed writer on the topic - it's the non-verbals of not getting along.

We all know that non-verbals are as equal, if not more powerful, than verbals when it comes to how people 'talk' to each other. I have such strong memories of heading to bed with a partner after a fierce showdown and dreading having to lie next to him. The urge to punch and/or suffocate said partner was often strongly resisted, balanced equally with the desperately sought desire to sleep.

Similarly, I was often the person in the partnership racked with guilt about bad behaviour, but unable to climb over a high wall of pride to admit my wrong doings.

Either scenario, however, probably looked a little something like this.......

I'm neither a pyschologist, nor relationship counsellor, but I don't think that any of these images scream "I'm getting a great night's sleep!!". (Mind you, the men in pictures 1 and 3 do look particularly peaceful - I won't even go there)

Taking a stressful situation to bed with you is not an ideal environment in which to sleep. The non-verbals associated with an argument can become a physical presence in a bed with a couple. It's the other 'person' who comes to have a threesome, that you really didn't want or invite.

Turned backs, stiff bodies, seriously loud and exaggerated sighing, dramatic turns in the bed, and innocent pillows punched, can all add up to lying for hours staring at the clock, the ceiling, or the inside of your eyelids.

The double whammy comes in the morning when you both awake to try to sort out the problem. You've got a foggy head and are unable to reason through the issues, because you have barely slept and are genuinely incapable of good logic.

How about this for a suggestion? You and your partner have a disagreement/argument/
stoush/whammy of a fight; you say what you can to smooth some waters over before bed time (or not); you then agree that some time apart might give you space and the chance to think things through.

Logically, what I am working towards is separate beds - be it for a night or longer. I can hear thousands, nay millions screaming that you need to go to bed with your estranged partner to keep the intimacy there in times of crisis and how can you have 'great make up sex' if you're not lying next to each other?

Sorry. I just don't agree.

I think there are many times where time apart can give you physical, emotional and mental space to work through problems and come to resolution faster than sticking it out in that small shared space.

And honestly, it's a personal thing. If my husband and I cannot resolve a fight before we go to sleep (and he is best at trying to get it resolved) we will still make sure we say 'I love you' and agree to sort the problem out the next day (or the day after). We realise that a tired head and heart aren't always the best tools to solve a breakdown in our relationship.

So we fight like any other couple, but don't need to get in to bed together to sort out the problem. Make up sex still happens, but it's not dependent on getting into a shared bed.

When we do disagree though, neither of us have to lie next to a stiffened board, or a flailing animal in death throes, huffing and puffing, as they work through their anger. We still make our way to our own rooms, taking care of each other's emotions and enjoying the gentle and welcoming silence of our own sheets.

I can't bear sleeping with you!

I've written before about famous couples who are quite open about sleeping separately.

There's the Queen and Prince Phillip, Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton, Diane von Furstenberg and her husband, and Bob Ellis and his wife. (For the non-Australians, Bob Ellis is a political commentator and journalist).

However, I came across another famous couple who are separate sleepers. And this quite famous couple might surprise you - it certainly did me.

They are a couple that many people would not expect to sleep apart as the veneer of their life is one of a happy, normal family with two loving parents. They eat together, exercise together and take care of each other when their family unit is challenged.

For years, it didn't cross my mind that they were thought leaders in separate sleeping but have been getting the message out there since the beginning of the 20th century.

Readers, I give you Mother Bear and Father Bear.

To quote Goldilocks - on discovering their avant garde sleeping arrangement:

    She climbed on to Father Bear's bed and said "this bed is too high for me"
     She then climbed on to Mother Bear's bed and said "this bed is too low for me"
     She then lay down on Baby Bear's bed and said "this is exactly right"

They slept in separate beds!! How did I miss it?

If only they were still around to interview.

Calling all separate sleepers - or wannabe separate sleepers....

I am wondering if anyone who reads my blog would be interested in sharing their thoughts, opinions or experiences with me?

I am looking for material for my book and am keen to hear from:

1. Couples who sleep separately - even if it's just one person from the couple
2. People who would like to sleep separately, but don't know how to raise the subject
3. People who still sleep with their partner, but have a hard time doing so
4. People who know people who might fall into the categories above and can be convinced to share with me

If you would be willing to share, I would dearly love to hear from you by email.

My address is:    jennyadams007@gmail.com

If you send me an email with a brief outline of your situation, I will send back some questions for you to answer.

The task won't be onerous (I promise) and there will be a form to fill in to provide your consent for participation in the book.

My fingers are crossed.

Thank you in anticipation.

Jenny

s....e....x....

I was interviewing a person for the book last week and towards the end of the interview she asked if I was going to ask her about sex. Was I interested in her and her husband's sex life in the context of them having separate rooms?

Well yes, I was - but I was a little hesitant to ask. I'm still getting comfortable with my interviews but plan to come right out and ask the question next time round.

I must admit, that when the topic of sleeping separately arises, so often, so do the questions about sex.

• Where does it happen?
• When does it happen?
• How is it instigated?

But mostly..... does it happen?

Let's take a minute.

Close your eyes and remember when you first started having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you live together? Did you sleep in the same bed every night? Did you even sleep in the same bed any night?

My guess is that you didn't share a bed night after night, but you did manage to find a way to have sex with each other. As do separate sleepers.

As I am at pains to point out, couples who are choosing to sleep separately aren't doing so because they don't like each other or are angry with each other, it's a practical solution to a practical problem (broken record noise inserted here). So there is still a physical attraction to your partner and you still want to have sex with them.

Keeping a sex life exciting between a long-term couple has spawned a library of books and self-help columns. There are some basics that we have learned and one of these is to try and keep your sex life exciting by not just relying on slipping in to bed every night and hoping the partner is keen to 'get it on'.

Long term couples often fall out of nude sleeping, sexy lingerie, scented candles and dimmed lights and more into practical sleep wear and a plethora of less-than-sexy habits and 'add-ons' they gather around them as they get older.

If this clip from the movie 'Date Night' resonates, you get what I mean.

The Ask Men website - written for men, by men (I assume) - even advocates sleeping separately to spice up your sex life in the article 'The Argument for Separate Beds'.

(This is the first overly male focussed discussion on the topic I have found - I'm thrilled.)

So let me answer the questions. I can confidently provide the answers based on my own experience, the experience of my co-author Sue, and the experiences of all seven couples we have interviewed to date.

Where does it happen?

In one of the beds, or in another location in the house - again, remember those early dating days.

When does it happen?

When you both feel like having sex - in the morning, the evening, the afternoon, etc etc, just like everyone else.

How is it instigated?

Probably more proactively seeing as you don't just expect to see your partner in bed every night. In fact, dare I suggest that it might even make the pre-sex stage a little more exciting as one of you has to instigate the event.

And does it happen?

Yes.

It's just s...e...x.... 

We've been doing it for years and ain't gonna let some little thing like separate beds get in the way.

Folk like me

As mentioned quite a few posts ago, I am in the early stages of writing a book about sleeping separately. The book will be co-authored with my dear friend Sue - who will be enticed into blogging one day soon.

After a recent, and most encouraging, meeting with Sally Collings - a published author and mentor at the Queensland Writers Centre - we are stepping up a gear and getting some more work done on the book. A large part of this work is interviewing people.

Faced with the prospect of finding interesting candidates to interview, I have been asking everyone I know, if they know of anyone who would be worth talking to about different sleeping behaviours.

This tactic has proven to be very worthwhile and I have some great interviews lined up:

• a couple married for 50+ years who started sleeping separately as soon as their children left home, which was 30 years ago
• a girl whose relationship ended because her partner would not let her sleep separately - even though she could not share a bed with him because of snoring and restless legs
• a good friend who has just started sleeping with her husband again after 9.5 years - they have been married for 10 years

I must admit that I am very excited about talking to these people and hearing their stories. There's always something intriguing talking to like-minded folk - an immediate connection and a chance to normalise your own thoughts and behaviours against theirs. 

I feel like I'm going to find a whole new bunch of 'homies'.

Once upon a time

In my late teens and early 20s the dream was pretty simple. In fact it was so simple, I couldn't believe why some of those 'older' folks made such a big deal about marriage and why their partner wasn't suitable any more, blah, blah,blah.... my path was clear. So clear it was positively sparkling.

It went something like this.

After having a whale of a time at uni, I would start my career and have some flings in my early 20s to sow my wild oats and gather a bit of experience in the relationship game. In my mid 20s I would find a wonderful, attractive, rich, caring (I could go on) man who would marry me at 26, take me travelling to exotic locations, share war stories with me from our fabulous corporate careers and then have me 'with child' just before my 30th birthday.

We would probably have three children, a mixture of genders. Our dinner parties would be legendary and our holiday home at the Sunshine Coast would ring long through warm summer evenings with the clinking of champagne glasses and the laughter of our dearest friends. Our house would be contemporary with the master bedroom being luxuriously spacious, repleat with walk in robe and a bathroom with his and hers sinks.

Here's what we looked like having fun in the garden on the weekend!

Mmmmm........ where did it all go wrong?

In hindsight, I think I may have shared the same fatally flawed life plan with a few contemporaries, and we possibly formed our misguided ideas from a montage of articles and advice columns patched together from Marie Claire, Cosmpolitan and a few other highly 'reliable' sources.

Back in those carefree, fantasy days however, sleeping with my partner was not an issue at all. In fact, I loved it. The thought of snuggling up to my boyfriend and being so naughty as sleeping nude, was a very exciting part of being in a relationship. Sneaking a night in a bed together was so daringly dangerous and, as we grew older, going away for a holiday together was enough to keep me giddy all week.

Until my early 30s, I would have looked with pity, at a middle-aged woman who couldn't and wouldn't sleep in the same bed as her husband. Freak, loser, weirdo, sad-o, old maid, mid-life crises lady! And yet here is where I find myself.

I don't however, feel as though I fit any of these labels. Such is the joy of growing older and caring less about the 'names that do not hurt me'. (I do care about the more brittle bones though and how they would break so much easier now from stray sticks and stones) (And any day now, I may just decided that I really don't need high heels any more and that flat shoes or ones with just small heels are all that is required in the wardrobe).

The blog To Love, Honor and Dismay has a great story and discussion about couples and sleeping. The comments on this blog post make for a great read and provide a wide ranging discussion about couples sleeping apart. There are supporters and dissenters of the practice, who both give compelling reasons for their stance on the subject.

And THAT'S THE POINT! There shouldn't be a 'one size fits all' approach to sleeping. As I have noted earlier, one great feature of the human race is that we are partly defined by our differences. We don't all like the same food and alcohol, don't all cheer for the same team or the same sports or like the same television shows. So why do we all have to like sharing a bed with someone? And if we don't like it - why is it so weird?

I've never heard someone foretell the end of a marriage because one person likes anchovies and the other doesn't. "Oh... they're having a half-and-half pizza. Must like different toppings - they'll never last ".

So my fairy tale life has turned out to have quite a different ending. I figure though that Snow White probably never counted on such a disastrous attempt to keep up with her fruit and veg intake, or house sharing with not two or three, but seven needy men - but she ended up where she needed to be.

And so have I - happily ever after.

Timing and temperature

As winter turns through some early death rolls, the unseasonably warm days are still not enough for me to stop using my electric blanket. I LOVE my electric blanket. Slipping in between my sheets each night when they have been warmed to toasted-sandwich-machine proportions is, if you ask me, one of the great luxuries of life.

The colder winter evenings dictate that one side of the bed also must be left on a low heat setting to ensure snugness throughout the night. And that's the way I like to deal with the business of sleeping through a Brisbane winter. It is not however, how my husband copes.

For only the second winter, he too put an electric blanket on his bed. But, it is a blanket that is little troubled with the task of heating his sheets. Its controls are only troubled on very cold evenings and only to warm the bed up for entry.

Being a stock-standard human being who frames her reality through the lens of all that is my world and my perspective on the world, I cannot, for the life of me, 'get' the concept of wanting to slip between cold sheets on a cold night. But it turns out that my husband mostly does and he also does not share my love of the thermo-nuclear.

At a party last night, I spoke with a couple who shared that the man slept every night of the year with a fan on him. The lady pulled a face when she explained that she did not like it and was at pains to point out that the fan was only on him. They also shared that he is an early riser who often wakes her as he arises most days between 4-5am and she likes to sleep in. I listened with fascination, my mind churning with deep interest, and just a little jealousy that they continue to co-habitate a bed with such different needs in their sleep patterns.

I often listen to these types of conversations with varying degrees of jealousy. Are my husband and I that dysfunctional that we can't just put our differences aside and compromise enough to hop into the same bed every night like so many couples do? My jealousy's source is that if we tried harder, we too would experience that wonderful togetherness all the other co-sleeping couples do. But then, as often happens, the conversation continues into the fields of truth and reality and all my insecurities are allayed.

The lady in the couple then went on to say that she often sleeps in a spare room when the number of nights of broken sleep she has endured means she is starting to suffer at work and all those around her are suffering from her short fuse and muddled mind. When I heard this part of the story, my anxiety melts with global-warming speed and I again feel confident that we are making a good decision - albeit one that is pragmatic (and bordering on prosaic) and definitely not romantic.

However, as Elynor Glyn, the British novelist and scriptwriter who pioneered mass-market women's erotic fiction said "Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze" and really, who wants to walk around in a haze every day? Even golden hazes lose their lustre after a few days and if not dealt with can often turn into a stifling pall that becomes hard to navigate. Just ask the folk of Beijing or Mumbai in middle of summer.

So in my ongoing quest for normalising (see post below) I place another snippet of anthropological insight into the filing cabinet of 'Jenny', slip into the thermal delight that is my bed in winter, and look forward to a good night's sleep that will go a long way to clearly seeing the challenges of the next day.

In sickness and in health

How on earth do couples share a bed when one of them is ill? Sharing a house is bad enough when one of you is less than 100%; but having the patience and skills to share a bed when winter illnesses arrive just mystifies me.

Last Monday evening I fell foul of viral pharyngitis. As well as sounding terribly deadly, the effects of the pharyngitis were indeed most deadly. In under two hours, I cascaded from being a picture of health to thrashing around in my bed, coughing up both lungs (and a few extra I didn't know I had), swallowing endlessly in an attempt to alleviate a burning throat and feeling terribly, terribly sorry for myself.

The complicating factor with being so sick, was that on Thursday evening, my husband and I were flying to Melbourne to celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary, so the last thing I wanted or needed was to be ill. But ill I was!

So as I lay in bed, close to death and thinking about phoning the ambulance (and not being overly dramatic at all), I was thankful that I didn't have to consider another body next to me, trying to sleep. When I gave up trying to sleep at about 1.30am, I was even more grateful as I turned out the light, grabbed the latest book and gave in to the fact that I was not going to be falling asleep at any point soon.

At 4.00am, when I was still awake, entertaining a myriad of irrantional thoughts and feeling as though evil spirits had entered my body, I could not stop praising Hypnos, the God of Sleep, for leading me down the path of the single sleeper.

Seriously!!! What does a person who shares a bed do, faced with this scenario?

I would be wracked with guilt if I kept my partner awake due to illness and I would be equally as cranky if I shared a bed with someone who kept me up all night with snorting, sniffing and late night reading. And I am sure that guilt is not good for getting better - too much adrenalin involved.

I do wonder how many others lie in bed feeling the guilt, or feeling the urge to kill, due to a sick partner. Further investigation is required.

Everybody's doing it!

Us humans like to know we are normal. Of course, the flaw in this need is that the definition of normal is reliant on so many uncontrollable variables. There's culture, age, gender, values, class.... etc, etc, that get in the way of finding our own 'normal'. I would like to think that sleeping in a separate bed from my husband has a 'normalness' to it and this, on deep reflection, is one of my key drivers for writing about the behaviour.

I am beginning to write a book about sleeping separately with a friend who also sleeps separately from her husband. Our need to have our own beds shares similiarities and has different motivations. However, we both experienced a certain level of joy when we first disclosed the details of our bed time realities to each other. I think that even knowing one other person shared my 'not so normal' behaviour, made me feel a little less abnormal.

I did know that other friends would sometimes - or often in some secret cases - sleep in a different bed to their partner, but I had not met someone who was a purposeful separate sleeper like me. 

Sue and I have talked about our decision, and the implications of such, for a few years now, and as mentioned, have started to write a book. In researching our book we have discovered that there are quite a few famous folk that share our need to slumber solo. Some share the need for separate rooms and some go so far as enjoying a good relationship that exists across separate houses.

Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter quite famously have separate houses - albeit houses that have an adjoining corridor. Bonham Carter speaks quite fondly of how their arrangement allows them to enjoy their own domestic decorating styles and televison habits. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are rumoured to sleep apart due to Tom's snoring, and snoring apparently keeps Kevin Jonas, at the tender age of 23, apart from his wife of less than two years. And then there were the very extreme measures taken by Mia Farrow and Woody Allen who maintained separate apartments across New York’s Central Park for a number of years. Unfortunately, one might not consider that a great example, considering the outcome.

So to know that famous folk are 'doin' it too', just makes me feel that little more mainstream. Because if you consider the percentage of famous people to ordinary people, I figure there is some normalising in those numbers to help me justify in feeling confident that there are lots of couples out there who kiss each other good night each night, then hit a pillow in different beds.

Plug me in

My husband and I went away last weekend to stay with friends at Tin Can Bay. Sleeping away from home can cause some distress, not always knowing what sleeping options will be available for those of us challenged by bed sharing.

The option last weekend was two single beds in a room together. As I may have said, I would actually like to be able to share a bed with my husband and often wonder if it's possible. Could our self imposed nocturnal segregation become an abberation of our misguided, early forties? Well..... it seems not.

The first night was ear plugs in immediately! My husband can fall asleep quickly and - depending on his sleeping position and how tired he is - can begin snoring pretty quickly. I don't hold this against him as I know he would prefer not to snore - it's not something he chooses to do.

Truth be told, in the last few years I have begun to snore a little too. And it mortifies me.

Since my 'light sleeping' began I have searched far and wide to source the best ear plugs this troubled sleeper can get her hands on. Ear plug nirvana was found at  snorestore. An online aladin's cave of ear plugs, specifically targetted at people who cannot sleep because of a snoring partner.

I could never had imagined how many ear plugs were available for us of the delicate sleeping constitution. My favourite feature of the website is that many earplugs are listed with the number of decibels they block out. The store also offers ear plugs specifically designed for women, who do tend to be the gender most affected by a snoring partner.

However, I wonder if the Snorestore will ever develop ear plugs for the partners of the following folk.

Jenny Chapman has the honour of being the loudest British female snorer and has been recorded snoring at 111.6 decibels. And another brit - a man called Alan Myatt - has been recorded snoring at 112.8 decibels. To give you a point of comparison any sound over 85 decibels can be considered hazardous to your hearing if you are being exposed to that noise for long periods of time.

I would be very interested to know if Jenny or Alan have partners - and if so, how do they cope?

But back to me. We are off to Melbourne for a long weekend in a few weeks and are sharing a bed! So, I have decided to purchase the Dreamgirl earlplugs.30 decibels of promised noise protection along with a slim fit for my delicate feminine ear canals.

The snorestore gives me more comfort in knowing I'm not alone with my affliction. 

So to all those comrades who roll their foam ear plugs then wait for the comforting silence as the foam unfurls with reassuring pops and crackles - I salute you.

I'm ok, you're ok

In my last post I talked about the people who give me sad and pitiful looks when they hear I don't share a bed, or a bedroom (quelle horreur) with my husband.

I don't think any of my close friends feel that way, but one never knows the truest, innermost feelings of another.

I am bemused that many of these looks are accompanied by a little tilt of the head. I guess the physical gesture assists them in communicating the feelings they have for me. The Centre for Nonverbal Studies says that a head tilt may be used to show friendliness. Maybe these people think the relationship with my husband is so bad that I need more friends?

Another suggestion from the centre is that head tilting is one of several self-protective gestures. So maybe, the thought that their partner might want to sleep apart from them makes them feel under threat and they tilt their head as a pre-emptive pose that will enable them to spring into action in case this might be the reality they are hiding from?

I have actually 'drilled down' to find out the motivation behind the look, but must report that I haven't had any answers that match the above two explanations for this non-verbal behaviour. No-one has invited me back to their place to spend the night in their bed with them and no-one has fled in terror that I might convince their partner to join the cause. And I guess that's the thing about non-verbal cues - often the words that accompany the non-verbals are at odds with each other.

When I get the 'pity tilt' I do get a intrigued about where the conversation is going to lead. Often the 'tilter' tries to encourage me to admit that there must be just a little something wrong with my marriage that I have to take the drastic step of sleeping in a separate room. Maybe it's not something wrong with my marriage, it's a fault in my husband's and mine relationship that we have not admitted to ourselves or to each other, and this is what's driving us apart night after night.

"Don't you miss the cuddles all night?", "How can you not want to snuggle next to your husband, and fall asleep and wake up next to him in the morning?". Well, 'yes' and 'I do'.

Unfortunately, we just can't manage the cuddling and the snuggling, and still get enough hours of sleep every night to then function as normal people. It's really as simple as that. "Don't you miss the intimacy of lying with another person every night and sharing that time together?" (from a tilter). Well no, if it means that I am lying there delirious with sleep deprivation as they snore or roll around the bed and pull covers off me.

Some people can touch their nose with their tongue, some people have a physiology that enables them to become olympic athletes and some people get tingly at the thought of tucking into a juicy quantum physics problem. Point being - humans are all different. And one of my points of difference is that I am a light sleeper, I need sleep to function and I like having my own space to sleep in. I tried to learn to sleep with my husband and had to raise the white flag of surrender early in the relationship.

Regardless of our failure as co-sleepers, I can report quite confidently that the marriage is ok. We have our disagreements, but neither of us has consulted a solicitor yet (as far as I know) and we have some long term plans mapped out for the next ten years.

For me our sleeping arrangement is simply practical. Our marriage has romance, has love, has emotional and physical intimacy - it just doesn't have any spooning in bed.

I'm ok with that, and I hope the tilters are ok too.

Space for one

As the nights become cooler I am loving slipping into my bed warmed to toasty proportions by my electric blanket. While in the room next door, my lovely husband sleeps in his somewhat colder bed. Such are the luxuries of sleeping in separate rooms.

Welcome to our blog - dedicated to the celebration of sleeping separately.

We are two women who passionately believe that sleeping separately from your partner - and in our cases, our husbands - does not define a successful relationship.

We hope to share our thoughts, advice and stories about our experiences of sleeping in separate rooms. We welcome any and all feedback and comments.

Jenny