It's a no-brainer

no-brain.er
n. Informal
         Something so simple or easy as to require no thought.

That's what sleeping separately is for some people - an activity/decision/event/behaviour that requires a minimal amount of thought when deciding if it's for them.

I have spoken with three couples recently who practice 'sometimes separate sleeping'. Each couple spoke about sleeping apart for about 2-5 night a week for the same singular purpose - so they can sleep.

Well that's a no-brainer!!

Let me break it down to clarify why they think it's a no-brainer.

• They have trouble sleeping with each other
• They want to feel rested and ready to function properly at their job the next day or to look after children
• They go to separate beds so they can get the sleep they need

What? There's no more I hear you ask?

No..... it's a no-brainer!

In fact, the couples I spoke to describe it as a logical, sensible, rational, practical, commonsensical and pragmatic(le) decision, and one they are all so glad they have made. It's part of their life and does not equate to how successful or happy their relationship is - it just keeps them sane and functioning.

Every individual eventually works out what keeps them sane. It's probably an activitiy that they do alone, that gives them the time out they need to refocus and regroup. Without a level of calm and balance, life can become sub-optimal and who wants that?

Here is a random, hastily-prepared list of stuff that I can think of that people do to bring back the balance in their life. (I did look at a lot of websites that talked about inner peace, clearing the mind, letting go of 'energy drainers', aligning one's chakras and things similar, and while there's nothing wrong with lining those chakras up if it helps you get through the day - no judgement here - I tend to live a more practical life, so here's what I think people do).

What I know is that people run, play team sports, become engrossed in a book (probably 50 Shades of Grey at the moment), play with children or pets, do craft or art, surf the web, do a sudoko or crossword, visit their friends, have a glass or 5 of wine, meditate, do yoga, go to the beach, go to the movies, lock themselves in their room, make a cake, clean the family silver, or.............................................. fill in the space if your sanity activity hasn't been listed - because there is no way I can list all the stuff people do to find some sanity when life runs on the hectic side.

So if there is an endless list of activities that help us humans get our grip back, why is spending the occasional night away from a loving, but possibly annoying partner who stops you from sleeping, any different?

Well, of course, I don't think it is.

I think it's a no-brainer.

So next time you are lying next to the person you love the most and they are snoring, thrashing, teeth grinding, reading, iPad-ing or stealing your sheets and blankets.... all I can say is that there is a 

if you want it.

Anyone want to share?

Hello to the select few who read my blog!

I have asked before, but am making another plea - this one is dancing on the fringes of being empassioned - for any folk out there who either sleep separately themselves, or know of others who do, who would be willing to be interviewed for my book.

I now have a looming deal with a publisher and need more material for the book, so am keenly interested in talking to more separate sleepers.

You, or your friends/acquaintances/work mates/relatives, don't have to sleep separately all the time; the separateness may be a part-time arrangement, or a sometimes arrangement.

I am willing to email questions, or phone for a chat - whatever is convenient.

So if there's anyone who would like to share..... get in touch on

                  jennyadams007@gmail.com

If only....

As part of the ongoing research for my book, I trawl through many, many websites. Yesterday I was poking around on YouTube and came across a video from The Better Sleep Council that renders my whole thesis and reason for writing redundant. Oops.

If only……!!!

If only I could have the same the Pollyanna approach to my problems of sleeping with my husband.

If only they had not recognised that you might want to possibly move to another room if ear plugs don’t work if you sleep with a snorer in a 'very-fast-blink-and-you’ll-miss-it' kind of way. 

If only I didn't quite like their sleep facts chart I could be a bit more dismissive.

And if only I didn't triple love this offering in their Press Resources Artwork section!

Finally, if only, I could change the logo to suit my thoughts on the issue......

If only I could say 'thank you The Better Sleep Council' for helping me find my voice in a quirky logo and 5 mins on Photoshop.


(PS     If only Lissa could spell her name sensibly)
(PPS   If only Zombieitis was a real word)

Wakey wakey!

How do you like to be woken in the morning? Being lovingly gazed upon by George Clooney on D. Porthault bed linen, listening to Riva boats ferry the rich and beautiful between the shores of Lake Como? Or is that just me?

How we wake, or how we choose to be woken can have a big impact on the relative success of the day ahead. I'm not suggesting this happens all the time, but I'm confident we've all been there.

The methods by which people choose to wake will be many and varied. Us separate sleepers have the luxury of not only choosing the method, but changing it whenever and 'why-ever' we want.

I have written before about the app that I use called Sleep Cycle. This app monitors my sleep patterns throughout the night (I am still COMPLETELY addicted to reviewing them first thing every morning - 75 days after the purchase) and wakes me gently, and caringly, depending on which stage of the sleep cycle I am in. As well as being totally taken by seeing what I got up to during the night, I like the fact that I can snooze a criminal number of times, before my phone eventually says "Enough" and starts vibrating.

(Admission - I can sometimes be heard talking to my phone when it stirs me for the 10th time with it's gentle 'Forest glade' alarm sound. Unilateral conversations of "yeah, yeah", "alright, I heard you", "I know it's time to get up" and "oh shut up" are not uncommon on the mornings of sub-7-hour sleeps.)

So what do the couples who share a bed do when they don't have the same desires when it comes to being aroused from slumber?

I had a boyfriend who wanted to be woken by TripleM on the radio every morning. For the non-Australian readers, click the link and the stories adorning the front page should give you a pretty good indication of the station's target audience. As I link through this evening, here's what's on offer....

If you like naked women and women kissing other women, then you have arrived at your dream radio station. But I digress. The main issue I had was that it is a hard rock station, on which a lot of "great rock hits from the 80s, 90s and now" were played. Quite simply, I kinda hate great rock hits from most eras. For the record, I mostly listen to Triple J - for mine, it's just a little more cerebral and interesting.

So back to the sleeping and the waking..... I can't tell you how many times I was wrenched from my sleep by a mid-40s, gravelly male voice, screaming unintelligible lyrics. I hated it. I would be cranky, and even more so, when I knew the boyfriend took perverse pleasure in knowing it annoyed me. This is just one of the myriad of reasons he is a past tense person.

Some folk wake up in the morning and bound into each day with a vim and vigour that is admirable. I am at the other end of the scale - hence arguing with an app on my phone - and I know there are others like me, who like to gently mosey on in to the day, quietly gathering their thoughts about the adventures awaiting us.

When you sleep with someone who has a different approach to greeting each new day, it can be a struggle to arrive at a mutually accepted method of waking.

So for those who may be struggling with their choice of wakening devices, consider this great app. And the bonus is, it comes with a funky gadget.

Before watching the video of the device in action, check out the great 'Sleep Tip' video the designers of the app have made. This one is #6 - The Cranky Girlfriend.

The app is the Lark alarm and sleep monitoring system. Click here to check out all the deets - or enjoy the YouTube video with at least better acting than the differently weighted duvet videos.

(Was v excited to see some Ikea cushions on the bed that I have too - the brown spotty ones.)

Is this the solution you have been looking for?

Until the morning then, I bid you a good night.

Can I quote you on that.....

Quotation, n.: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Do you have a favourite quote? A saying, or three, by which you live your life and explain away certain actions or decisions? It may, or may not surprise you to learn that there are many quotes about sleeping. In fact, there are pages and pages on the internet - and I haven't even considered looking through books of quotes (don't know if their index will be thorough and swift as Google).

I am using two types of quotes in my book. More formal quotes that capture a particular theme or message of a chaper, and then the quotes of the various people I am interviewing or discovering on blogs and chat rooms.

I thought I would share some of my favourite quotes to date. I shalln't give reasons for the inclusion of each one - suffice to say they have tickled my fancy and pricked my interest for a variety of reasons. I offer them here for consideration and enlightenment.

“All this fuss about sleeping together.

For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day”.

Evelyn Waugh

“If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen”

George Carlin

"Roll, twist, struggle, kick, fuss, sigh" Anonymous

"I think there’s something wrong. Her parents aren’t sleeping in the same bed anymore."
Gretchen Wieners, “Mean Girls”

"While I understand that my husband needs to go to the toilet during the night, must the activity involve the broken waterfall effect, a couple of farts and that much sighing?."   Sue, married 12 years

"It’s one of life’s little luxuries." (comment about farting in bed)

Ross, 42, Draftsman
 

“Sleep is my drug of choice”, Tanlee

The list we need to talk about....

I am feeling all smug and boastful at the moment after the female of a couple who recently stayed with us conceded that sleeping with her partner was not what she really wanted to be doing any more. The plans for her alternate existence involved having her own room where she wasn't interrupted by the short, sharp, but loud and repetitive snorts her husband emitted every night - some nights, louder and more often than others.

She explained to me though that it was what they were expected to do as they were married - they are in their late 60s.

This lady shared that she believed her partner would be most upset, because of the perceived rejection, if she were to suggest they sleep separately. She then, very quickly, followed this up with a well-rehearsed explanation that went something like "even though his snoring keeps me awake at night, it's so special to know that he is there next to me and when we wake next to each other and can lie and chat in bed, it makes all those sleepless nights seem worthwhile".

I do get that part of sleeping together, but the longing look on her face when she spoke about sleeping in her own bed belied the propaganda overtones of her generation's spiel.

As I have stated before, and will continue to do so, I am not anti bed-sharing. I am honestly jealous of those couples who get enough quality sleep each night in the company of their loved one. However, I feel dismay in equal proportions for those people who subject themselves to night after night of broken sleep for the sake of a social construct.

So while there is much that is warm, fuzzy and wonderful (low grade, blatant sarcasm noted by self) about sharing a bed, I put to you readers the list of what can go wrong.

I am supremely confident that I have not captured all the issues faced by couples who undertake the treacherous task of sleeping with each other, and invite anyone so inclined to add to the list either by comment or by email to me. Any new 'issues' will be included in the book.

This list is in no particular order; it includes both in-bed issues and what I call issued 'around' sleeping; some of the issues are ones that we don't really like to talk about (see the last three); and some are specific to a particular time in your life.

However, they are all behaviours or situations that can keep one or both people in the same bed from sleeping, and when they occur night after night, after night, after night....... you have to wonder.

Well, I do.

1. Snoring
2. Movement by partner
3. Sleeping with kids
4. Sleeping with pets
5. Loud breathing
6. Differing temperature needs
7. Getting up in the night to go to the toilet, get a drink, have a wander….
8. Reading in bed – lights on, noise of pages turning
9. Using computer, phone or other device in bed
10. Eating in bed
11. Watching TV in bed
12. Level of sound in the room
13. Level of light in the room
14. How you are woken – device for waking and the level of noise
15. The size of the bed
16. The firmness of the bed
17. Who gets to sleep on which side of the bed
18. Sheet textures
19. Amount and size of pillows
20. Differing sleep positions
21. To cuddle or not to cuddle
22. Teeth grinding
23. Sweating
24. Waking from dreams and nightmares
25. Going to bed angry
26. Sleep walking
27. Sleep talking
28. Insomnia
29. Illness – temporary or long term
30. Sleeping in the nude
31. Farting
32. Sleeping in the wet spot

Are there more? Please add to the list if you can.

I'm glad we got to share.

The silence of the sheets

I have written about many of the overt and obvious behaviours that create problems in bed. There are the in-between-the-sheets problems, such as snoring and bed cover stealing, and the problems that are created 'around' sleeping, such as differing bed times and temperature requirements.

But there is also a silent sleeping issue that instills fear into a loved-one's hearts, or that fuels the fires of an angry interchange between bed-sharing partners.

Allan Pease would be a more informed writer on the topic - it's the non-verbals of not getting along.

We all know that non-verbals are as equal, if not more powerful, than verbals when it comes to how people 'talk' to each other. I have such strong memories of heading to bed with a partner after a fierce showdown and dreading having to lie next to him. The urge to punch and/or suffocate said partner was often strongly resisted, balanced equally with the desperately sought desire to sleep.

Similarly, I was often the person in the partnership racked with guilt about bad behaviour, but unable to climb over a high wall of pride to admit my wrong doings.

Either scenario, however, probably looked a little something like this.......

I'm neither a pyschologist, nor relationship counsellor, but I don't think that any of these images scream "I'm getting a great night's sleep!!". (Mind you, the men in pictures 1 and 3 do look particularly peaceful - I won't even go there)

Taking a stressful situation to bed with you is not an ideal environment in which to sleep. The non-verbals associated with an argument can become a physical presence in a bed with a couple. It's the other 'person' who comes to have a threesome, that you really didn't want or invite.

Turned backs, stiff bodies, seriously loud and exaggerated sighing, dramatic turns in the bed, and innocent pillows punched, can all add up to lying for hours staring at the clock, the ceiling, or the inside of your eyelids.

The double whammy comes in the morning when you both awake to try to sort out the problem. You've got a foggy head and are unable to reason through the issues, because you have barely slept and are genuinely incapable of good logic.

How about this for a suggestion? You and your partner have a disagreement/argument/
stoush/whammy of a fight; you say what you can to smooth some waters over before bed time (or not); you then agree that some time apart might give you space and the chance to think things through.

Logically, what I am working towards is separate beds - be it for a night or longer. I can hear thousands, nay millions screaming that you need to go to bed with your estranged partner to keep the intimacy there in times of crisis and how can you have 'great make up sex' if you're not lying next to each other?

Sorry. I just don't agree.

I think there are many times where time apart can give you physical, emotional and mental space to work through problems and come to resolution faster than sticking it out in that small shared space.

And honestly, it's a personal thing. If my husband and I cannot resolve a fight before we go to sleep (and he is best at trying to get it resolved) we will still make sure we say 'I love you' and agree to sort the problem out the next day (or the day after). We realise that a tired head and heart aren't always the best tools to solve a breakdown in our relationship.

So we fight like any other couple, but don't need to get in to bed together to sort out the problem. Make up sex still happens, but it's not dependent on getting into a shared bed.

When we do disagree though, neither of us have to lie next to a stiffened board, or a flailing animal in death throes, huffing and puffing, as they work through their anger. We still make our way to our own rooms, taking care of each other's emotions and enjoying the gentle and welcoming silence of our own sheets.

I can't bear sleeping with you!

I've written before about famous couples who are quite open about sleeping separately.

There's the Queen and Prince Phillip, Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton, Diane von Furstenberg and her husband, and Bob Ellis and his wife. (For the non-Australians, Bob Ellis is a political commentator and journalist).

However, I came across another famous couple who are separate sleepers. And this quite famous couple might surprise you - it certainly did me.

They are a couple that many people would not expect to sleep apart as the veneer of their life is one of a happy, normal family with two loving parents. They eat together, exercise together and take care of each other when their family unit is challenged.

For years, it didn't cross my mind that they were thought leaders in separate sleeping but have been getting the message out there since the beginning of the 20th century.

Readers, I give you Mother Bear and Father Bear.

To quote Goldilocks - on discovering their avant garde sleeping arrangement:

    She climbed on to Father Bear's bed and said "this bed is too high for me"
     She then climbed on to Mother Bear's bed and said "this bed is too low for me"
     She then lay down on Baby Bear's bed and said "this is exactly right"

They slept in separate beds!! How did I miss it?

If only they were still around to interview.

Calling all separate sleepers - or wannabe separate sleepers....

I am wondering if anyone who reads my blog would be interested in sharing their thoughts, opinions or experiences with me?

I am looking for material for my book and am keen to hear from:

1. Couples who sleep separately - even if it's just one person from the couple
2. People who would like to sleep separately, but don't know how to raise the subject
3. People who still sleep with their partner, but have a hard time doing so
4. People who know people who might fall into the categories above and can be convinced to share with me

If you would be willing to share, I would dearly love to hear from you by email.

My address is:    jennyadams007@gmail.com

If you send me an email with a brief outline of your situation, I will send back some questions for you to answer.

The task won't be onerous (I promise) and there will be a form to fill in to provide your consent for participation in the book.

My fingers are crossed.

Thank you in anticipation.

Jenny

O bed! O bed! delicious bed! That heaven upon earth to the weary head.

What do you do in your bed?

Not such a simple question. Beds are more often than not a space more than just a place to sleep.

If you think back to your teens, were there times you lay on your bed and thought about your latest crush, read a book, wrote in your diary or read a secret letter?

For most people their bed is not just a utilitarian furniture installation for sleeping. Although, I concede that this may indeed be the case for a minority of people. I feel sorry for these folks.

Why? Because there is a degree of 'haven' to a bed, and I guess that's why I value my own bed even more so.

No-one has any control over what happens in my bed. I can choose everything about my bed with sheer indulgent selfishness. 

I choose:

• what colour my sheets and doona cover are
• how warm or cool the bed will be
• how many pillows are on the bed during the day
• and the night
• who is given permission to visit
• and who isn't
• where I will sleep on the bed each night
• what I do in the bed - sleep, read, think, stare at the ceiling, cry, chat on the phone, browse the net, play games on my phone

So am I horribly selfish because I don't want to give any of the above up? I don't know if I care that I am or am not. I'm certainly not trying to sound all tough, insolent and broody, just honest.

I recently spoke to a friend who, at the end of a conversation, said "I've got something to tell you". Talk about ominous! Talk about how MANY thoughts can race through my brain in approx 2 seconds!

Her revelation was that her husband and her had moved to separate rooms after quite a few years of marriage (don't know the exact figure, but their oldest is about 19).

Without too many details, she spoke mostly of the bliss of having her own space for the first time since she was a daughter living at home. I'm going to guess about 30+ years ago. When telling me about the new arrangements the tone of her voice lightened and her adjectives became excited and happy.

Knowing my thoughts on the subject, she was very excited to tell me about the move.

Knowing my thoughts on the subject, I was even more excited to hear her tell me about the move.

It's not that I advocate and encourage people to sleep apart, it's just that I could hear the happiness in her voice and could relate to every aspect of what she was telling me. It's knowing that there is another person out there who can understand a little more of how I feel that gives me confidence in my own decision and my ongoing pursuit of normalising the behaviour.

PS - She said their sex life is better now. I say I've got one word for that - 'Yay!!"

s....e....x....

I was interviewing a person for the book last week and towards the end of the interview she asked if I was going to ask her about sex. Was I interested in her and her husband's sex life in the context of them having separate rooms?

Well yes, I was - but I was a little hesitant to ask. I'm still getting comfortable with my interviews but plan to come right out and ask the question next time round.

I must admit, that when the topic of sleeping separately arises, so often, so do the questions about sex.

• Where does it happen?
• When does it happen?
• How is it instigated?

But mostly..... does it happen?

Let's take a minute.

Close your eyes and remember when you first started having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you live together? Did you sleep in the same bed every night? Did you even sleep in the same bed any night?

My guess is that you didn't share a bed night after night, but you did manage to find a way to have sex with each other. As do separate sleepers.

As I am at pains to point out, couples who are choosing to sleep separately aren't doing so because they don't like each other or are angry with each other, it's a practical solution to a practical problem (broken record noise inserted here). So there is still a physical attraction to your partner and you still want to have sex with them.

Keeping a sex life exciting between a long-term couple has spawned a library of books and self-help columns. There are some basics that we have learned and one of these is to try and keep your sex life exciting by not just relying on slipping in to bed every night and hoping the partner is keen to 'get it on'.

Long term couples often fall out of nude sleeping, sexy lingerie, scented candles and dimmed lights and more into practical sleep wear and a plethora of less-than-sexy habits and 'add-ons' they gather around them as they get older.

If this clip from the movie 'Date Night' resonates, you get what I mean.

The Ask Men website - written for men, by men (I assume) - even advocates sleeping separately to spice up your sex life in the article 'The Argument for Separate Beds'.

(This is the first overly male focussed discussion on the topic I have found - I'm thrilled.)

So let me answer the questions. I can confidently provide the answers based on my own experience, the experience of my co-author Sue, and the experiences of all seven couples we have interviewed to date.

Where does it happen?

In one of the beds, or in another location in the house - again, remember those early dating days.

When does it happen?

When you both feel like having sex - in the morning, the evening, the afternoon, etc etc, just like everyone else.

How is it instigated?

Probably more proactively seeing as you don't just expect to see your partner in bed every night. In fact, dare I suggest that it might even make the pre-sex stage a little more exciting as one of you has to instigate the event.

And does it happen?

Yes.

It's just s...e...x.... 

We've been doing it for years and ain't gonna let some little thing like separate beds get in the way.

Now I lay me down to sleep

Sleeping is no mean art:  for its sake one must stay awake all day.  

Friedrich Nietzsch

As I contemplate where I will take a Sunday afternoon nap, (due to very broken's night's sleep) I started thinking about human's need for sleep. This is a subject that I do tend to think about often, considering the amount of time I find myself writing about it lately. 

For me, the primary and most dominant motivation for sleeping separately is my need for sleep. I create living nightmares for others when I don't get enough of it and have always watched all my mother friends with admiration as they carried on their lives while coping with the loss of sleep of due to babies and young children.

I thought I would share a few good websites I have come across recently that deal with the science of sleep - or more importantly the effects of the lack thereof.

The Australian Sleep Association

The ASA is the peak scientific body in Australia & New Zealand representing clinicians, scientists and researchers in the broad area of Sleep. 

National Sleep Foundation

Waking America to the importance of sleep

Catalyst Online Edition Sleep Special

Australian Broadcast Commission (ABC) show Catalyst has put together a great range of videos that deal with the importance of sleep

End Your Sleep Deprivation

An American site dedicated to research into sleep deprivation

I hope my very small readership might find something of interest to them.

The Rules!

Sleeping separately from your partner is not all fun, freedom, and rolling around a queen-sized bed with gay abandon. Contrary to popular belief - it's not all beer and skittles!

Sleeping apart requires discipline and moral fibre - moral fibre being defined as 'the inner strength to do what you believe to be right in difficult situations'. 

Sleeping apart from the man or woman you love can actually be a difficult decision. I'm yet to find one couple who doesn't have a level of angst about their decision to sleep separately. I think this is why people are so reluctant to talk about it - the feelings of unrest probably makes them feel there must be something wrong with them. 

As mentioned in my previous post, a friend of mind has just returned to sleeping with her husband after 9.5 years apart and I can't wait to talk to her about what has changed for them and how they feel about sharing the space together again.

When my husband and I decided to sleep apart I cried. I felt a heavy sense of loss and a fear that the relationship would be harmed due to the absence of the intimacy experienced through sharing a bed each night. And in all honesty, I wanted to sleep with my husband - to cuddle him at night and in the morning, to lie next to him at night and in the morning and chat, and to just enjoy the presence of him next to me each night. 

But 'alas and alack', it was just not to be.

When we realised we were destined for different geographical coordinates each night, we clung on to each other before sleep and immediately upon waking, and this is how our rules for separate rooms developed.

Rule 1
The last person up at night (normally me) has to go through to the person in bed and spend a little time with them. Depending on the circumstances, there can be lying in bed with them for a cuddle and a chat, but as a minimum, there is a kiss goodnight.

Rule 2
The first person up in the morning (normally my husband) must go through to the other person's room for a good morning kiss. If it is a weekend, then there is the added expectation that they will slip in to bed for a longer cuddle and maybe some more snoozing.

Rule 3
There is an interest taken in the other person's bedroom. This might manifest itself in helping to pick new furniture, helping the other person make their bed, or thoughtful gestures such as turning the other person's electric blanket on (mainly my husband doing that for me) when they are out in the evening.  

Rule 4
The sex rule. Conjugal visits should take into consideration freshly washed sheets!

We are fairly strict with each other when it comes to the rules. They are vital to us to ensure we make the effort to maintain the physical contact that couples who share a bed may indeed take for granted.

Our rules connect us to each other around the daily event of sleeping - just the same as when we sit at the table with each other to have dinner.

Funnily enough my co-author Sue has a similar set of rules with her husband. Their rules and rituals were established a long time ago also, but we did laugh when we discovered how similarly we treated this aspect of our relationships. I do wonder how other couples who sleep separately address the gap left by sleeping apart when it comes to taking care of their relationship.

So we will keep 'playing by the rules'...... it's kept us in the game so far.

Folk like me

As mentioned quite a few posts ago, I am in the early stages of writing a book about sleeping separately. The book will be co-authored with my dear friend Sue - who will be enticed into blogging one day soon.

After a recent, and most encouraging, meeting with Sally Collings - a published author and mentor at the Queensland Writers Centre - we are stepping up a gear and getting some more work done on the book. A large part of this work is interviewing people.

Faced with the prospect of finding interesting candidates to interview, I have been asking everyone I know, if they know of anyone who would be worth talking to about different sleeping behaviours.

This tactic has proven to be very worthwhile and I have some great interviews lined up:

• a couple married for 50+ years who started sleeping separately as soon as their children left home, which was 30 years ago
• a girl whose relationship ended because her partner would not let her sleep separately - even though she could not share a bed with him because of snoring and restless legs
• a good friend who has just started sleeping with her husband again after 9.5 years - they have been married for 10 years

I must admit that I am very excited about talking to these people and hearing their stories. There's always something intriguing talking to like-minded folk - an immediate connection and a chance to normalise your own thoughts and behaviours against theirs. 

I feel like I'm going to find a whole new bunch of 'homies'.

Once upon a time

In my late teens and early 20s the dream was pretty simple. In fact it was so simple, I couldn't believe why some of those 'older' folks made such a big deal about marriage and why their partner wasn't suitable any more, blah, blah,blah.... my path was clear. So clear it was positively sparkling.

It went something like this.

After having a whale of a time at uni, I would start my career and have some flings in my early 20s to sow my wild oats and gather a bit of experience in the relationship game. In my mid 20s I would find a wonderful, attractive, rich, caring (I could go on) man who would marry me at 26, take me travelling to exotic locations, share war stories with me from our fabulous corporate careers and then have me 'with child' just before my 30th birthday.

We would probably have three children, a mixture of genders. Our dinner parties would be legendary and our holiday home at the Sunshine Coast would ring long through warm summer evenings with the clinking of champagne glasses and the laughter of our dearest friends. Our house would be contemporary with the master bedroom being luxuriously spacious, repleat with walk in robe and a bathroom with his and hers sinks.

Here's what we looked like having fun in the garden on the weekend!

Mmmmm........ where did it all go wrong?

In hindsight, I think I may have shared the same fatally flawed life plan with a few contemporaries, and we possibly formed our misguided ideas from a montage of articles and advice columns patched together from Marie Claire, Cosmpolitan and a few other highly 'reliable' sources.

Back in those carefree, fantasy days however, sleeping with my partner was not an issue at all. In fact, I loved it. The thought of snuggling up to my boyfriend and being so naughty as sleeping nude, was a very exciting part of being in a relationship. Sneaking a night in a bed together was so daringly dangerous and, as we grew older, going away for a holiday together was enough to keep me giddy all week.

Until my early 30s, I would have looked with pity, at a middle-aged woman who couldn't and wouldn't sleep in the same bed as her husband. Freak, loser, weirdo, sad-o, old maid, mid-life crises lady! And yet here is where I find myself.

I don't however, feel as though I fit any of these labels. Such is the joy of growing older and caring less about the 'names that do not hurt me'. (I do care about the more brittle bones though and how they would break so much easier now from stray sticks and stones) (And any day now, I may just decided that I really don't need high heels any more and that flat shoes or ones with just small heels are all that is required in the wardrobe).

The blog To Love, Honor and Dismay has a great story and discussion about couples and sleeping. The comments on this blog post make for a great read and provide a wide ranging discussion about couples sleeping apart. There are supporters and dissenters of the practice, who both give compelling reasons for their stance on the subject.

And THAT'S THE POINT! There shouldn't be a 'one size fits all' approach to sleeping. As I have noted earlier, one great feature of the human race is that we are partly defined by our differences. We don't all like the same food and alcohol, don't all cheer for the same team or the same sports or like the same television shows. So why do we all have to like sharing a bed with someone? And if we don't like it - why is it so weird?

I've never heard someone foretell the end of a marriage because one person likes anchovies and the other doesn't. "Oh... they're having a half-and-half pizza. Must like different toppings - they'll never last ".

So my fairy tale life has turned out to have quite a different ending. I figure though that Snow White probably never counted on such a disastrous attempt to keep up with her fruit and veg intake, or house sharing with not two or three, but seven needy men - but she ended up where she needed to be.

And so have I - happily ever after.

Timing and temperature

As winter turns through some early death rolls, the unseasonably warm days are still not enough for me to stop using my electric blanket. I LOVE my electric blanket. Slipping in between my sheets each night when they have been warmed to toasted-sandwich-machine proportions is, if you ask me, one of the great luxuries of life.

The colder winter evenings dictate that one side of the bed also must be left on a low heat setting to ensure snugness throughout the night. And that's the way I like to deal with the business of sleeping through a Brisbane winter. It is not however, how my husband copes.

For only the second winter, he too put an electric blanket on his bed. But, it is a blanket that is little troubled with the task of heating his sheets. Its controls are only troubled on very cold evenings and only to warm the bed up for entry.

Being a stock-standard human being who frames her reality through the lens of all that is my world and my perspective on the world, I cannot, for the life of me, 'get' the concept of wanting to slip between cold sheets on a cold night. But it turns out that my husband mostly does and he also does not share my love of the thermo-nuclear.

At a party last night, I spoke with a couple who shared that the man slept every night of the year with a fan on him. The lady pulled a face when she explained that she did not like it and was at pains to point out that the fan was only on him. They also shared that he is an early riser who often wakes her as he arises most days between 4-5am and she likes to sleep in. I listened with fascination, my mind churning with deep interest, and just a little jealousy that they continue to co-habitate a bed with such different needs in their sleep patterns.

I often listen to these types of conversations with varying degrees of jealousy. Are my husband and I that dysfunctional that we can't just put our differences aside and compromise enough to hop into the same bed every night like so many couples do? My jealousy's source is that if we tried harder, we too would experience that wonderful togetherness all the other co-sleeping couples do. But then, as often happens, the conversation continues into the fields of truth and reality and all my insecurities are allayed.

The lady in the couple then went on to say that she often sleeps in a spare room when the number of nights of broken sleep she has endured means she is starting to suffer at work and all those around her are suffering from her short fuse and muddled mind. When I heard this part of the story, my anxiety melts with global-warming speed and I again feel confident that we are making a good decision - albeit one that is pragmatic (and bordering on prosaic) and definitely not romantic.

However, as Elynor Glyn, the British novelist and scriptwriter who pioneered mass-market women's erotic fiction said "Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze" and really, who wants to walk around in a haze every day? Even golden hazes lose their lustre after a few days and if not dealt with can often turn into a stifling pall that becomes hard to navigate. Just ask the folk of Beijing or Mumbai in middle of summer.

So in my ongoing quest for normalising (see post below) I place another snippet of anthropological insight into the filing cabinet of 'Jenny', slip into the thermal delight that is my bed in winter, and look forward to a good night's sleep that will go a long way to clearly seeing the challenges of the next day.

In sickness and in health

How on earth do couples share a bed when one of them is ill? Sharing a house is bad enough when one of you is less than 100%; but having the patience and skills to share a bed when winter illnesses arrive just mystifies me.

Last Monday evening I fell foul of viral pharyngitis. As well as sounding terribly deadly, the effects of the pharyngitis were indeed most deadly. In under two hours, I cascaded from being a picture of health to thrashing around in my bed, coughing up both lungs (and a few extra I didn't know I had), swallowing endlessly in an attempt to alleviate a burning throat and feeling terribly, terribly sorry for myself.

The complicating factor with being so sick, was that on Thursday evening, my husband and I were flying to Melbourne to celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary, so the last thing I wanted or needed was to be ill. But ill I was!

So as I lay in bed, close to death and thinking about phoning the ambulance (and not being overly dramatic at all), I was thankful that I didn't have to consider another body next to me, trying to sleep. When I gave up trying to sleep at about 1.30am, I was even more grateful as I turned out the light, grabbed the latest book and gave in to the fact that I was not going to be falling asleep at any point soon.

At 4.00am, when I was still awake, entertaining a myriad of irrantional thoughts and feeling as though evil spirits had entered my body, I could not stop praising Hypnos, the God of Sleep, for leading me down the path of the single sleeper.

Seriously!!! What does a person who shares a bed do, faced with this scenario?

I would be wracked with guilt if I kept my partner awake due to illness and I would be equally as cranky if I shared a bed with someone who kept me up all night with snorting, sniffing and late night reading. And I am sure that guilt is not good for getting better - too much adrenalin involved.

I do wonder how many others lie in bed feeling the guilt, or feeling the urge to kill, due to a sick partner. Further investigation is required.

Everybody's doing it!

Us humans like to know we are normal. Of course, the flaw in this need is that the definition of normal is reliant on so many uncontrollable variables. There's culture, age, gender, values, class.... etc, etc, that get in the way of finding our own 'normal'. I would like to think that sleeping in a separate bed from my husband has a 'normalness' to it and this, on deep reflection, is one of my key drivers for writing about the behaviour.

I am beginning to write a book about sleeping separately with a friend who also sleeps separately from her husband. Our need to have our own beds shares similiarities and has different motivations. However, we both experienced a certain level of joy when we first disclosed the details of our bed time realities to each other. I think that even knowing one other person shared my 'not so normal' behaviour, made me feel a little less abnormal.

I did know that other friends would sometimes - or often in some secret cases - sleep in a different bed to their partner, but I had not met someone who was a purposeful separate sleeper like me. 

Sue and I have talked about our decision, and the implications of such, for a few years now, and as mentioned, have started to write a book. In researching our book we have discovered that there are quite a few famous folk that share our need to slumber solo. Some share the need for separate rooms and some go so far as enjoying a good relationship that exists across separate houses.

Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter quite famously have separate houses - albeit houses that have an adjoining corridor. Bonham Carter speaks quite fondly of how their arrangement allows them to enjoy their own domestic decorating styles and televison habits. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are rumoured to sleep apart due to Tom's snoring, and snoring apparently keeps Kevin Jonas, at the tender age of 23, apart from his wife of less than two years. And then there were the very extreme measures taken by Mia Farrow and Woody Allen who maintained separate apartments across New York’s Central Park for a number of years. Unfortunately, one might not consider that a great example, considering the outcome.

So to know that famous folk are 'doin' it too', just makes me feel that little more mainstream. Because if you consider the percentage of famous people to ordinary people, I figure there is some normalising in those numbers to help me justify in feeling confident that there are lots of couples out there who kiss each other good night each night, then hit a pillow in different beds.

Plug me in

My husband and I went away last weekend to stay with friends at Tin Can Bay. Sleeping away from home can cause some distress, not always knowing what sleeping options will be available for those of us challenged by bed sharing.

The option last weekend was two single beds in a room together. As I may have said, I would actually like to be able to share a bed with my husband and often wonder if it's possible. Could our self imposed nocturnal segregation become an abberation of our misguided, early forties? Well..... it seems not.

The first night was ear plugs in immediately! My husband can fall asleep quickly and - depending on his sleeping position and how tired he is - can begin snoring pretty quickly. I don't hold this against him as I know he would prefer not to snore - it's not something he chooses to do.

Truth be told, in the last few years I have begun to snore a little too. And it mortifies me.

Since my 'light sleeping' began I have searched far and wide to source the best ear plugs this troubled sleeper can get her hands on. Ear plug nirvana was found at  snorestore. An online aladin's cave of ear plugs, specifically targetted at people who cannot sleep because of a snoring partner.

I could never had imagined how many ear plugs were available for us of the delicate sleeping constitution. My favourite feature of the website is that many earplugs are listed with the number of decibels they block out. The store also offers ear plugs specifically designed for women, who do tend to be the gender most affected by a snoring partner.

However, I wonder if the Snorestore will ever develop ear plugs for the partners of the following folk.

Jenny Chapman has the honour of being the loudest British female snorer and has been recorded snoring at 111.6 decibels. And another brit - a man called Alan Myatt - has been recorded snoring at 112.8 decibels. To give you a point of comparison any sound over 85 decibels can be considered hazardous to your hearing if you are being exposed to that noise for long periods of time.

I would be very interested to know if Jenny or Alan have partners - and if so, how do they cope?

But back to me. We are off to Melbourne for a long weekend in a few weeks and are sharing a bed! So, I have decided to purchase the Dreamgirl earlplugs.30 decibels of promised noise protection along with a slim fit for my delicate feminine ear canals.

The snorestore gives me more comfort in knowing I'm not alone with my affliction. 

So to all those comrades who roll their foam ear plugs then wait for the comforting silence as the foam unfurls with reassuring pops and crackles - I salute you.