The gift of bed

Tonight, a story to share from a friend of mine. I love this friend dearly and asked her recently to capture for me, part of a recent chapter of her life, as it's a chapter that has an aspect that's dear to my heart.

This friend's husband brought their 25 year marriage to an end through his thoughtless and rather selfish behaviour. (One word here - karma)

My friend was devastated in the months after the marriage ended and often wondered what life was going to look like without the person she had planned to spend her life with, sharing it with her.

I can happily report she is doing just fine, as most intelligent, capable and sensible people do. (Not that I am blindly biased or anything like that)

A surprising aspect of her post-marriage life has been how much she treasures having her own bed.

She writes in her story....

At fifty, I look back at my younger twenty-one-year-old self, and wonder why I gave up my own bed and room without question in the first place. I recall the excitement of the early days of marriage where sharing a room and a bed were symbols of my newly acquired marital status. In fact, not sharing a room and bed was never considered.

I think that she captures one of the 'constructs' I bleat on about when it comes to why our society places so much importance on bed sharing as a couple. It's a symbol that you are together - in every facet of your life. I was very grateful for her insight on that one. (I still don't agree with it, but I think I understand it more)

Her husband and her went on to experience the normal issues that arise in bed sharing - snoring, bed and room temperature, how to use sheets and blankets appropriately, excessive movement, etc., etc. But as a 'good wife and good couple' they persisted in sharing a bed, and she often found herself spending days in a "sleep-deprived stupor".

So here we are, 26 years down the track and now that she is free to explore what it's like to sleep solo - she is a convert. This is how she describes her sleeping arrangements circa 2012...

Now that I’ve had the luxury of my own room and my own bed again, I won’t be giving it up.  I love shutting the bedroom door behind me and entering my own space to relax and ponder and rest. It sustains and nurtures me. There is nothing I like better than slipping into my bed each night, knowing I will sleep undisturbed until morning.  Being able to spread out in a walk-in wardrobe is a definite plus as well.  In time, if life does happen to bring a second partner for me, he will definitely need to be happy with a two bed/two room policy.  

She called her story "The Gift of Bed" and I think it's a great gift for anyone to give themselves, if they can afford it.


(In reading and re-reading this post, I am concerned that I may sound a little biased towards separate sleeping. I'm certainly not pro-separate sleeping, just pro-having the choice to do so if that's what makes you happy. I think I'm just so happy for my friend that she has found something in her life that she really loves.

If she had found a new lease on life by climbing Mt Everest, or taking up crocheting, I would have been equally as enthusiastic. It's just that when someone else shares a pleasure you have - it's kind of neat.)

Anyone want to share?

Hello to the select few who read my blog!

I have asked before, but am making another plea - this one is dancing on the fringes of being empassioned - for any folk out there who either sleep separately themselves, or know of others who do, who would be willing to be interviewed for my book.

I now have a looming deal with a publisher and need more material for the book, so am keenly interested in talking to more separate sleepers.

You, or your friends/acquaintances/work mates/relatives, don't have to sleep separately all the time; the separateness may be a part-time arrangement, or a sometimes arrangement.

I am willing to email questions, or phone for a chat - whatever is convenient.

So if there's anyone who would like to share..... get in touch on

                  jennyadams007@gmail.com

The Rules!

Sleeping separately from your partner is not all fun, freedom, and rolling around a queen-sized bed with gay abandon. Contrary to popular belief - it's not all beer and skittles!

Sleeping apart requires discipline and moral fibre - moral fibre being defined as 'the inner strength to do what you believe to be right in difficult situations'. 

Sleeping apart from the man or woman you love can actually be a difficult decision. I'm yet to find one couple who doesn't have a level of angst about their decision to sleep separately. I think this is why people are so reluctant to talk about it - the feelings of unrest probably makes them feel there must be something wrong with them. 

As mentioned in my previous post, a friend of mind has just returned to sleeping with her husband after 9.5 years apart and I can't wait to talk to her about what has changed for them and how they feel about sharing the space together again.

When my husband and I decided to sleep apart I cried. I felt a heavy sense of loss and a fear that the relationship would be harmed due to the absence of the intimacy experienced through sharing a bed each night. And in all honesty, I wanted to sleep with my husband - to cuddle him at night and in the morning, to lie next to him at night and in the morning and chat, and to just enjoy the presence of him next to me each night. 

But 'alas and alack', it was just not to be.

When we realised we were destined for different geographical coordinates each night, we clung on to each other before sleep and immediately upon waking, and this is how our rules for separate rooms developed.

Rule 1
The last person up at night (normally me) has to go through to the person in bed and spend a little time with them. Depending on the circumstances, there can be lying in bed with them for a cuddle and a chat, but as a minimum, there is a kiss goodnight.

Rule 2
The first person up in the morning (normally my husband) must go through to the other person's room for a good morning kiss. If it is a weekend, then there is the added expectation that they will slip in to bed for a longer cuddle and maybe some more snoozing.

Rule 3
There is an interest taken in the other person's bedroom. This might manifest itself in helping to pick new furniture, helping the other person make their bed, or thoughtful gestures such as turning the other person's electric blanket on (mainly my husband doing that for me) when they are out in the evening.  

Rule 4
The sex rule. Conjugal visits should take into consideration freshly washed sheets!

We are fairly strict with each other when it comes to the rules. They are vital to us to ensure we make the effort to maintain the physical contact that couples who share a bed may indeed take for granted.

Our rules connect us to each other around the daily event of sleeping - just the same as when we sit at the table with each other to have dinner.

Funnily enough my co-author Sue has a similar set of rules with her husband. Their rules and rituals were established a long time ago also, but we did laugh when we discovered how similarly we treated this aspect of our relationships. I do wonder how other couples who sleep separately address the gap left by sleeping apart when it comes to taking care of their relationship.

So we will keep 'playing by the rules'...... it's kept us in the game so far.

Folk like me

As mentioned quite a few posts ago, I am in the early stages of writing a book about sleeping separately. The book will be co-authored with my dear friend Sue - who will be enticed into blogging one day soon.

After a recent, and most encouraging, meeting with Sally Collings - a published author and mentor at the Queensland Writers Centre - we are stepping up a gear and getting some more work done on the book. A large part of this work is interviewing people.

Faced with the prospect of finding interesting candidates to interview, I have been asking everyone I know, if they know of anyone who would be worth talking to about different sleeping behaviours.

This tactic has proven to be very worthwhile and I have some great interviews lined up:

• a couple married for 50+ years who started sleeping separately as soon as their children left home, which was 30 years ago
• a girl whose relationship ended because her partner would not let her sleep separately - even though she could not share a bed with him because of snoring and restless legs
• a good friend who has just started sleeping with her husband again after 9.5 years - they have been married for 10 years

I must admit that I am very excited about talking to these people and hearing their stories. There's always something intriguing talking to like-minded folk - an immediate connection and a chance to normalise your own thoughts and behaviours against theirs. 

I feel like I'm going to find a whole new bunch of 'homies'.