If only....

As part of the ongoing research for my book, I trawl through many, many websites. Yesterday I was poking around on YouTube and came across a video from The Better Sleep Council that renders my whole thesis and reason for writing redundant. Oops.

If only……!!!

If only I could have the same the Pollyanna approach to my problems of sleeping with my husband.

If only they had not recognised that you might want to possibly move to another room if ear plugs don’t work if you sleep with a snorer in a 'very-fast-blink-and-you’ll-miss-it' kind of way. 

If only I didn't quite like their sleep facts chart I could be a bit more dismissive.

And if only I didn't triple love this offering in their Press Resources Artwork section!

Finally, if only, I could change the logo to suit my thoughts on the issue......

If only I could say 'thank you The Better Sleep Council' for helping me find my voice in a quirky logo and 5 mins on Photoshop.


(PS     If only Lissa could spell her name sensibly)
(PPS   If only Zombieitis was a real word)

Wakey wakey!

How do you like to be woken in the morning? Being lovingly gazed upon by George Clooney on D. Porthault bed linen, listening to Riva boats ferry the rich and beautiful between the shores of Lake Como? Or is that just me?

How we wake, or how we choose to be woken can have a big impact on the relative success of the day ahead. I'm not suggesting this happens all the time, but I'm confident we've all been there.

The methods by which people choose to wake will be many and varied. Us separate sleepers have the luxury of not only choosing the method, but changing it whenever and 'why-ever' we want.

I have written before about the app that I use called Sleep Cycle. This app monitors my sleep patterns throughout the night (I am still COMPLETELY addicted to reviewing them first thing every morning - 75 days after the purchase) and wakes me gently, and caringly, depending on which stage of the sleep cycle I am in. As well as being totally taken by seeing what I got up to during the night, I like the fact that I can snooze a criminal number of times, before my phone eventually says "Enough" and starts vibrating.

(Admission - I can sometimes be heard talking to my phone when it stirs me for the 10th time with it's gentle 'Forest glade' alarm sound. Unilateral conversations of "yeah, yeah", "alright, I heard you", "I know it's time to get up" and "oh shut up" are not uncommon on the mornings of sub-7-hour sleeps.)

So what do the couples who share a bed do when they don't have the same desires when it comes to being aroused from slumber?

I had a boyfriend who wanted to be woken by TripleM on the radio every morning. For the non-Australian readers, click the link and the stories adorning the front page should give you a pretty good indication of the station's target audience. As I link through this evening, here's what's on offer....

If you like naked women and women kissing other women, then you have arrived at your dream radio station. But I digress. The main issue I had was that it is a hard rock station, on which a lot of "great rock hits from the 80s, 90s and now" were played. Quite simply, I kinda hate great rock hits from most eras. For the record, I mostly listen to Triple J - for mine, it's just a little more cerebral and interesting.

So back to the sleeping and the waking..... I can't tell you how many times I was wrenched from my sleep by a mid-40s, gravelly male voice, screaming unintelligible lyrics. I hated it. I would be cranky, and even more so, when I knew the boyfriend took perverse pleasure in knowing it annoyed me. This is just one of the myriad of reasons he is a past tense person.

Some folk wake up in the morning and bound into each day with a vim and vigour that is admirable. I am at the other end of the scale - hence arguing with an app on my phone - and I know there are others like me, who like to gently mosey on in to the day, quietly gathering their thoughts about the adventures awaiting us.

When you sleep with someone who has a different approach to greeting each new day, it can be a struggle to arrive at a mutually accepted method of waking.

So for those who may be struggling with their choice of wakening devices, consider this great app. And the bonus is, it comes with a funky gadget.

Before watching the video of the device in action, check out the great 'Sleep Tip' video the designers of the app have made. This one is #6 - The Cranky Girlfriend.

The app is the Lark alarm and sleep monitoring system. Click here to check out all the deets - or enjoy the YouTube video with at least better acting than the differently weighted duvet videos.

(Was v excited to see some Ikea cushions on the bed that I have too - the brown spotty ones.)

Is this the solution you have been looking for?

Until the morning then, I bid you a good night.

The list we need to talk about....

I am feeling all smug and boastful at the moment after the female of a couple who recently stayed with us conceded that sleeping with her partner was not what she really wanted to be doing any more. The plans for her alternate existence involved having her own room where she wasn't interrupted by the short, sharp, but loud and repetitive snorts her husband emitted every night - some nights, louder and more often than others.

She explained to me though that it was what they were expected to do as they were married - they are in their late 60s.

This lady shared that she believed her partner would be most upset, because of the perceived rejection, if she were to suggest they sleep separately. She then, very quickly, followed this up with a well-rehearsed explanation that went something like "even though his snoring keeps me awake at night, it's so special to know that he is there next to me and when we wake next to each other and can lie and chat in bed, it makes all those sleepless nights seem worthwhile".

I do get that part of sleeping together, but the longing look on her face when she spoke about sleeping in her own bed belied the propaganda overtones of her generation's spiel.

As I have stated before, and will continue to do so, I am not anti bed-sharing. I am honestly jealous of those couples who get enough quality sleep each night in the company of their loved one. However, I feel dismay in equal proportions for those people who subject themselves to night after night of broken sleep for the sake of a social construct.

So while there is much that is warm, fuzzy and wonderful (low grade, blatant sarcasm noted by self) about sharing a bed, I put to you readers the list of what can go wrong.

I am supremely confident that I have not captured all the issues faced by couples who undertake the treacherous task of sleeping with each other, and invite anyone so inclined to add to the list either by comment or by email to me. Any new 'issues' will be included in the book.

This list is in no particular order; it includes both in-bed issues and what I call issued 'around' sleeping; some of the issues are ones that we don't really like to talk about (see the last three); and some are specific to a particular time in your life.

However, they are all behaviours or situations that can keep one or both people in the same bed from sleeping, and when they occur night after night, after night, after night....... you have to wonder.

Well, I do.

1. Snoring
2. Movement by partner
3. Sleeping with kids
4. Sleeping with pets
5. Loud breathing
6. Differing temperature needs
7. Getting up in the night to go to the toilet, get a drink, have a wander….
8. Reading in bed – lights on, noise of pages turning
9. Using computer, phone or other device in bed
10. Eating in bed
11. Watching TV in bed
12. Level of sound in the room
13. Level of light in the room
14. How you are woken – device for waking and the level of noise
15. The size of the bed
16. The firmness of the bed
17. Who gets to sleep on which side of the bed
18. Sheet textures
19. Amount and size of pillows
20. Differing sleep positions
21. To cuddle or not to cuddle
22. Teeth grinding
23. Sweating
24. Waking from dreams and nightmares
25. Going to bed angry
26. Sleep walking
27. Sleep talking
28. Insomnia
29. Illness – temporary or long term
30. Sleeping in the nude
31. Farting
32. Sleeping in the wet spot

Are there more? Please add to the list if you can.

I'm glad we got to share.

The silence of the sheets

I have written about many of the overt and obvious behaviours that create problems in bed. There are the in-between-the-sheets problems, such as snoring and bed cover stealing, and the problems that are created 'around' sleeping, such as differing bed times and temperature requirements.

But there is also a silent sleeping issue that instills fear into a loved-one's hearts, or that fuels the fires of an angry interchange between bed-sharing partners.

Allan Pease would be a more informed writer on the topic - it's the non-verbals of not getting along.

We all know that non-verbals are as equal, if not more powerful, than verbals when it comes to how people 'talk' to each other. I have such strong memories of heading to bed with a partner after a fierce showdown and dreading having to lie next to him. The urge to punch and/or suffocate said partner was often strongly resisted, balanced equally with the desperately sought desire to sleep.

Similarly, I was often the person in the partnership racked with guilt about bad behaviour, but unable to climb over a high wall of pride to admit my wrong doings.

Either scenario, however, probably looked a little something like this.......

I'm neither a pyschologist, nor relationship counsellor, but I don't think that any of these images scream "I'm getting a great night's sleep!!". (Mind you, the men in pictures 1 and 3 do look particularly peaceful - I won't even go there)

Taking a stressful situation to bed with you is not an ideal environment in which to sleep. The non-verbals associated with an argument can become a physical presence in a bed with a couple. It's the other 'person' who comes to have a threesome, that you really didn't want or invite.

Turned backs, stiff bodies, seriously loud and exaggerated sighing, dramatic turns in the bed, and innocent pillows punched, can all add up to lying for hours staring at the clock, the ceiling, or the inside of your eyelids.

The double whammy comes in the morning when you both awake to try to sort out the problem. You've got a foggy head and are unable to reason through the issues, because you have barely slept and are genuinely incapable of good logic.

How about this for a suggestion? You and your partner have a disagreement/argument/
stoush/whammy of a fight; you say what you can to smooth some waters over before bed time (or not); you then agree that some time apart might give you space and the chance to think things through.

Logically, what I am working towards is separate beds - be it for a night or longer. I can hear thousands, nay millions screaming that you need to go to bed with your estranged partner to keep the intimacy there in times of crisis and how can you have 'great make up sex' if you're not lying next to each other?

Sorry. I just don't agree.

I think there are many times where time apart can give you physical, emotional and mental space to work through problems and come to resolution faster than sticking it out in that small shared space.

And honestly, it's a personal thing. If my husband and I cannot resolve a fight before we go to sleep (and he is best at trying to get it resolved) we will still make sure we say 'I love you' and agree to sort the problem out the next day (or the day after). We realise that a tired head and heart aren't always the best tools to solve a breakdown in our relationship.

So we fight like any other couple, but don't need to get in to bed together to sort out the problem. Make up sex still happens, but it's not dependent on getting into a shared bed.

When we do disagree though, neither of us have to lie next to a stiffened board, or a flailing animal in death throes, huffing and puffing, as they work through their anger. We still make our way to our own rooms, taking care of each other's emotions and enjoying the gentle and welcoming silence of our own sheets.

Now I lay me down to sleep

Sleeping is no mean art:  for its sake one must stay awake all day.  

Friedrich Nietzsch

As I contemplate where I will take a Sunday afternoon nap, (due to very broken's night's sleep) I started thinking about human's need for sleep. This is a subject that I do tend to think about often, considering the amount of time I find myself writing about it lately. 

For me, the primary and most dominant motivation for sleeping separately is my need for sleep. I create living nightmares for others when I don't get enough of it and have always watched all my mother friends with admiration as they carried on their lives while coping with the loss of sleep of due to babies and young children.

I thought I would share a few good websites I have come across recently that deal with the science of sleep - or more importantly the effects of the lack thereof.

The Australian Sleep Association

The ASA is the peak scientific body in Australia & New Zealand representing clinicians, scientists and researchers in the broad area of Sleep. 

National Sleep Foundation

Waking America to the importance of sleep

Catalyst Online Edition Sleep Special

Australian Broadcast Commission (ABC) show Catalyst has put together a great range of videos that deal with the importance of sleep

End Your Sleep Deprivation

An American site dedicated to research into sleep deprivation

I hope my very small readership might find something of interest to them.

In sickness and in health

How on earth do couples share a bed when one of them is ill? Sharing a house is bad enough when one of you is less than 100%; but having the patience and skills to share a bed when winter illnesses arrive just mystifies me.

Last Monday evening I fell foul of viral pharyngitis. As well as sounding terribly deadly, the effects of the pharyngitis were indeed most deadly. In under two hours, I cascaded from being a picture of health to thrashing around in my bed, coughing up both lungs (and a few extra I didn't know I had), swallowing endlessly in an attempt to alleviate a burning throat and feeling terribly, terribly sorry for myself.

The complicating factor with being so sick, was that on Thursday evening, my husband and I were flying to Melbourne to celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary, so the last thing I wanted or needed was to be ill. But ill I was!

So as I lay in bed, close to death and thinking about phoning the ambulance (and not being overly dramatic at all), I was thankful that I didn't have to consider another body next to me, trying to sleep. When I gave up trying to sleep at about 1.30am, I was even more grateful as I turned out the light, grabbed the latest book and gave in to the fact that I was not going to be falling asleep at any point soon.

At 4.00am, when I was still awake, entertaining a myriad of irrantional thoughts and feeling as though evil spirits had entered my body, I could not stop praising Hypnos, the God of Sleep, for leading me down the path of the single sleeper.

Seriously!!! What does a person who shares a bed do, faced with this scenario?

I would be wracked with guilt if I kept my partner awake due to illness and I would be equally as cranky if I shared a bed with someone who kept me up all night with snorting, sniffing and late night reading. And I am sure that guilt is not good for getting better - too much adrenalin involved.

I do wonder how many others lie in bed feeling the guilt, or feeling the urge to kill, due to a sick partner. Further investigation is required.

In good company

I try to be very honest about sleeping separately from my husband. I don't go out of my way to advertise it, but also don't pretend that it isn't a reality in my life. While there are many people who do agree that sleeping apart from their partner is a great idea, there are many who look at me with sad eyes, and just a tinge of pity. More about those looks in another post.

So when I hear of another person championing the cause of sleeping apart, I must admit that I do feel supported and buoyed. Such were my feelings at reading this article by Bob Ellis. Bob Ellis is an Australian writer, journalist, film-maker and political commentator, labor party stallwart and generally grumpy looking man. He has always struck me as a gruff old dude - the type who would give a person three minutes to justify why he should speak to them, and be harsh in his judgement of worthiness. This picture from one of his book covers justifies my judgements - at least to me it does.

Well, it turns out that Bob is a separate sleeper too! He recently wrote a great article published on the ABC's The Drum, Opinion.Titled To sleep, perchance to dream, the article talks about Ellis and his wife's decision to sleep apart.

The focus of his article is about the affects a lack of sleep can have on people. The premise of the article resonated with me as I too am particulary bad at decision making without sleep. Turns out, I am in good company (politically, anyway) when it comes to questionable judgement when sleep deprived.

The other aspect that made me feel good about reading the article was that it was a male championing the cause. Most writing on the topic is done by females, often blaming their lack of sleep on a snoring husband. Bob's article dealt with the fundamental issue being faced by people who cannot share a bed - the genuine health issues that can be caused by broken and minimal sleep.

Sue and I have done some research into the health affects of lack of sleep and there is much written about a myriad of issues caused by too little sleep. The weekend paper again referred to the link of childhood obesity to lack of sleep, and the list of other effects is substantial.

So here's to you Bob Ellis - thank you for your honesty and your voice.