What would you do if your partner told you that they would break up with you if you didn't sleep in the same bed with them? This is a partner who snores loudly, has restless legs, and keeps you awake night after night to the point that you are physically and mentally falling apart.
I interviewed a lady recently whose most recent relationship ended because her partner refused to even consider sleeping in separate rooms. She described him as being very conservative and always following the 'right path' and this right path for him was that 'men and women in a couple share a bed every night'. Why? Because "that's what they do".
The norms and traditions that were ingrained in him from his family (who knows how many generations back) did not allow him to consider a situation that was different, to the extent that he was prepared to walk away from an otherwise happy and functional six year relationship.
I find that absolutely fascinating.
The fact that he could not conceive of a solution that would enable him to continue to be with the woman he loved, simply because of what he had been told was the 'right' thing to do when in a relationship with a woman.
The definition of a tradition is that it is a ritual, belief or object passed down within a society, still maintained in the present, with origins in the past. The word 'tradition' itself derives from the Latin tradere or traderer literally meaning to transmit, to hand over, to give for safekeeping.
Can't you just imagine the words and actions of this man's father that were so influential that they resonated so strongly for so many years?
Traditions can have such a dominating force over people that they blind them to logic and good sense and dictate behaviours that ultimately can be destructive.
I guess there is the practice of many traditions that may lead to the eventual break down of relationships. Where and how you celebrate Christmas, the attention given to a person on their birthday, the importance given to a particular sport, or sporting event - all of these activities can carry with them years of practice and behaviours that can ultimately put pressure on a happy couple. I am sure (if anyone is reading) that people would have many examples of either their own family, or someone they know.
I've never been one for traditions myself - not simply for the sake of having them anyway. I certainly don't let traditions define me if the definition is at odds with where I stand as an individual.
Traditionally, part of the criteria that judges western couples as being 'successful' are such behaviours as spending celebrations together, holidaying together and the list goes on....... especially to include, sleeping in the same bed together.
The lady interviewed is now happily in another relationship, if not altogether happy that she found the need to be in a new relationship. She told me she will never share a bed again as she so cherishes her bed and bedroom as her own.
I must agree that that's a tradition I can support!
02 November 2011
28 September 2011
s....e....x....
I was interviewing a person for the book last week and towards the end of the interview she asked if I was going to ask her about sex. Was I interested in her and her husband's sex life in the context of them having separate rooms?
Well yes, I was - but I was a little hesitant to ask. I'm still getting comfortable with my interviews but plan to come right out and ask the question next time round.
I must admit, that when the topic of sleeping separately arises, so often, so do the questions about sex.
As I am at pains to point out, couples who are choosing to sleep separately aren't doing so because they don't like each other or are angry with each other, it's a practical solution to a practical problem (broken record noise inserted here). So there is still a physical attraction to your partner and you still want to have sex with them.
Keeping a sex life exciting between a long-term couple has spawned a library of books and self-help columns. There are some basics that we have learned and one of these is to try and keep your sex life exciting by not just relying on slipping in to bed every night and hoping the partner is keen to 'get it on'.
Long term couples often fall out of nude sleeping, sexy lingerie, scented candles and dimmed lights and more into practical sleep wear and a plethora of less-than-sexy habits and 'add-ons' they gather around them as they get older.
If this clip from the movie 'Date Night' resonates, you get what I mean.
The Ask Men website - written for men, by men (I assume) - even advocates sleeping separately to spice up your sex life in the article 'The Argument for Separate Beds'.
(This is the first overly male focussed discussion on the topic I have found - I'm thrilled.)
So let me answer the questions. I can confidently provide the answers based on my own experience, the experience of my co-author Sue, and the experiences of all seven couples we have interviewed to date.
Where does it happen?
In one of the beds, or in another location in the house - again, remember those early dating days.
When does it happen?
When you both feel like having sex - in the morning, the evening, the afternoon, etc etc, just like everyone else.
How is it instigated?
Probably more proactively seeing as you don't just expect to see your partner in bed every night. In fact, dare I suggest that it might even make the pre-sex stage a little more exciting as one of you has to instigate the event.
And does it happen?
Yes.
It's just s...e...x....
We've been doing it for years and ain't gonna let some little thing like separate beds get in the way.
Well yes, I was - but I was a little hesitant to ask. I'm still getting comfortable with my interviews but plan to come right out and ask the question next time round.
I must admit, that when the topic of sleeping separately arises, so often, so do the questions about sex.
- Where does it happen?
- When does it happen?
- How is it instigated?
Let's take a minute.
Close your eyes and remember when you first started having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you live together? Did you sleep in the same bed every night? Did you even sleep in the same bed any night?
My guess is that you didn't share a bed night after night, but you did manage to find a way to have sex with each other. As do separate sleepers.
As I am at pains to point out, couples who are choosing to sleep separately aren't doing so because they don't like each other or are angry with each other, it's a practical solution to a practical problem (broken record noise inserted here). So there is still a physical attraction to your partner and you still want to have sex with them.
Keeping a sex life exciting between a long-term couple has spawned a library of books and self-help columns. There are some basics that we have learned and one of these is to try and keep your sex life exciting by not just relying on slipping in to bed every night and hoping the partner is keen to 'get it on'.
Long term couples often fall out of nude sleeping, sexy lingerie, scented candles and dimmed lights and more into practical sleep wear and a plethora of less-than-sexy habits and 'add-ons' they gather around them as they get older.
If this clip from the movie 'Date Night' resonates, you get what I mean.
The Ask Men website - written for men, by men (I assume) - even advocates sleeping separately to spice up your sex life in the article 'The Argument for Separate Beds'.
(This is the first overly male focussed discussion on the topic I have found - I'm thrilled.)
So let me answer the questions. I can confidently provide the answers based on my own experience, the experience of my co-author Sue, and the experiences of all seven couples we have interviewed to date.
Where does it happen?
In one of the beds, or in another location in the house - again, remember those early dating days.
When does it happen?
When you both feel like having sex - in the morning, the evening, the afternoon, etc etc, just like everyone else.
How is it instigated?
Probably more proactively seeing as you don't just expect to see your partner in bed every night. In fact, dare I suggest that it might even make the pre-sex stage a little more exciting as one of you has to instigate the event.
And does it happen?
Yes.
It's just s...e...x....
We've been doing it for years and ain't gonna let some little thing like separate beds get in the way.
18 September 2011
Now I lay me down to sleep
Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day.
Friedrich Nietzsch
As I contemplate where I will take a Sunday afternoon nap, (due to very broken's night's sleep) I started thinking about human's need for sleep. This is a subject that I do tend to think about often, considering the amount of time I find myself writing about it lately.
For me, the primary and most dominant motivation for sleeping separately is my need for sleep. I create living nightmares for others when I don't get enough of it and have always watched all my mother friends with admiration as they carried on their lives while coping with the loss of sleep of due to babies and young children.
I thought I would share a few good websites I have come across recently that deal with the science of sleep - or more importantly the effects of the lack thereof.
The ASA is the peak scientific body in Australia & New Zealand
representing clinicians, scientists and researchers in the broad area of
Sleep.
Waking America to the importance of sleep
Australian Broadcast Commission (ABC) show Catalyst has put together a great range of videos that deal with the importance of sleep
An American site dedicated to research into sleep deprivation
I hope my very small readership might find something of interest to them.
11 September 2011
Flawed design
Sorry men - but the fact is you snore more than women. It's not your fault per se - it's a design flaw.
I am not suggesting that women don't snore at all, but I don't think I am too far out of line to say that it is men who do tend to be the high achievers in this activity.
In trying to find some hard evidence to back my bold statement, I found a great statement:
For those who have already picked up the rather questionable sentence construction and grammar usage, well done. Then I hope that the bold quoting of statistics has your heckles raised as mine were too. Yes - I think that the entry in the Softpedia website, may require a very healthy dose of scepticism, which is such a pity as the 'stats' are just the sort of hard-hitting justification I need for my book.
(The fact that the word 'research' in the paragraph preceding the stats leads to an online selling system really did cement my despair)
I then found a video called 'Street Doctors' and thought this might provide more credible information. Turns out Street Doctors did have a doctor.... but as for any sort of in-depth answers to the snoring battle of the sexes..... you make up your mind.
(You may also have noticed one of the compelling social issues that Street Doctors tackles is 'Is Sperm Nutritious?'. This may give away their commitment to dealing with the hard hitting medical issues of the day)
I did finally find a believable medical explanation for the higher incidence of men snoring that made sense, after repeated reading. Well, I'm sure it would have made a little more sense if I had some 'Anatomy 101' in my academic repetoire.
This entry is written by a doctor - Dr Steven Y. Park MC - on his eponymous website. Dr Park's 'mission' is to help treat breathing problems to give people a better quality of life. He seems legit - decent website, reassuring photo, and an easy to understand video of himself talking about medical procedures for snoring.
I wouldn't attempt to summarise his explanation for the increase in snoring for men, and encourage my readers to click here to see the detail. What did catch my eye though, was another explanation for why women are 'lighter' sleepers than men. Not only do we have to contend with hormonal interference in our ability to sleep but a smaller space behind our tongue means that we are prone to being aroused from deep sleep because of interference in our breathing.
So men are more susceptible to snoring due to a design feature and women are more susceptible to lighter sleeping due a design feature - both features working against the other and resulting in disturbed sleep for all.
And so we face another challenge when hopping in to bed with each other each night, and it's one we really don't have any control over - unless someone has found that warranty document to take back to the manufacturer.
I am not suggesting that women don't snore at all, but I don't think I am too far out of line to say that it is men who do tend to be the high achievers in this activity.
In trying to find some hard evidence to back my bold statement, I found a great statement:
More researchers have coincided that up to 80% of men snore at some time, double the number compared to women, and about 40% of them snore every night.
For those who have already picked up the rather questionable sentence construction and grammar usage, well done. Then I hope that the bold quoting of statistics has your heckles raised as mine were too. Yes - I think that the entry in the Softpedia website, may require a very healthy dose of scepticism, which is such a pity as the 'stats' are just the sort of hard-hitting justification I need for my book.
(The fact that the word 'research' in the paragraph preceding the stats leads to an online selling system really did cement my despair)
I then found a video called 'Street Doctors' and thought this might provide more credible information. Turns out Street Doctors did have a doctor.... but as for any sort of in-depth answers to the snoring battle of the sexes..... you make up your mind.
(You may also have noticed one of the compelling social issues that Street Doctors tackles is 'Is Sperm Nutritious?'. This may give away their commitment to dealing with the hard hitting medical issues of the day)
I did finally find a believable medical explanation for the higher incidence of men snoring that made sense, after repeated reading. Well, I'm sure it would have made a little more sense if I had some 'Anatomy 101' in my academic repetoire.
This entry is written by a doctor - Dr Steven Y. Park MC - on his eponymous website. Dr Park's 'mission' is to help treat breathing problems to give people a better quality of life. He seems legit - decent website, reassuring photo, and an easy to understand video of himself talking about medical procedures for snoring.
I wouldn't attempt to summarise his explanation for the increase in snoring for men, and encourage my readers to click here to see the detail. What did catch my eye though, was another explanation for why women are 'lighter' sleepers than men. Not only do we have to contend with hormonal interference in our ability to sleep but a smaller space behind our tongue means that we are prone to being aroused from deep sleep because of interference in our breathing.
So men are more susceptible to snoring due to a design feature and women are more susceptible to lighter sleeping due a design feature - both features working against the other and resulting in disturbed sleep for all.
And so we face another challenge when hopping in to bed with each other each night, and it's one we really don't have any control over - unless someone has found that warranty document to take back to the manufacturer.
05 September 2011
The Rules!
Sleeping separately from your partner is not all fun, freedom, and rolling around a queen-sized bed with gay abandon. Contrary to popular belief - it's not all beer and skittles!
Sleeping apart requires discipline and moral fibre - moral fibre being defined as 'the inner strength to do what you believe to be right in difficult situations'.
Sleeping apart from the man or woman you love can actually be a difficult decision. I'm yet to find one couple who doesn't have a level of angst about their decision to sleep separately. I think this is why people are so reluctant to talk about it - the feelings of unrest probably makes them feel there must be something wrong with them.
As mentioned in my previous post, a friend of mind has just returned to sleeping with her husband after 9.5 years apart and I can't wait to talk to her about what has changed for them and how they feel about sharing the space together again.
When my husband and I decided to sleep apart I cried. I felt a heavy sense of loss and a fear that the relationship would be harmed due to the absence of the intimacy experienced through sharing a bed each night. And in all honesty, I wanted to sleep with my husband - to cuddle him at night and in the morning, to lie next to him at night and in the morning and chat, and to just enjoy the presence of him next to me each night.
But 'alas and alack', it was just not to be.
When we realised we were destined for different geographical coordinates each night, we clung on to each other before sleep and immediately upon waking, and this is how our rules for separate rooms developed.
Rule 1
The last person up at night (normally me) has to go through to the person in bed and spend a little time with them. Depending on the circumstances, there can be lying in bed with them for a cuddle and a chat, but as a minimum, there is a kiss goodnight.
Rule 2
The first person up in the morning (normally my husband) must go through to the other person's room for a good morning kiss. If it is a weekend, then there is the added expectation that they will slip in to bed for a longer cuddle and maybe some more snoozing.
Rule 3
There is an interest taken in the other person's bedroom. This might manifest itself in helping to pick new furniture, helping the other person make their bed, or thoughtful gestures such as turning the other person's electric blanket on (mainly my husband doing that for me) when they are out in the evening.
Rule 4
The sex rule. Conjugal visits should take into consideration freshly washed sheets!
We are fairly strict with each other when it comes to the rules. They are vital to us to ensure we make the effort to maintain the physical contact that couples who share a bed may indeed take for granted.
Our rules connect us to each other around the daily event of sleeping - just the same as when we sit at the table with each other to have dinner.
Funnily enough my co-author Sue has a similar set of rules with her husband. Their rules and rituals were established a long time ago also, but we did laugh when we discovered how similarly we treated this aspect of our relationships. I do wonder how other couples who sleep separately address the gap left by sleeping apart when it comes to taking care of their relationship.
So we will keep 'playing by the rules'...... it's kept us in the game so far.
The last person up at night (normally me) has to go through to the person in bed and spend a little time with them. Depending on the circumstances, there can be lying in bed with them for a cuddle and a chat, but as a minimum, there is a kiss goodnight.
Rule 2
The first person up in the morning (normally my husband) must go through to the other person's room for a good morning kiss. If it is a weekend, then there is the added expectation that they will slip in to bed for a longer cuddle and maybe some more snoozing.
Rule 3
There is an interest taken in the other person's bedroom. This might manifest itself in helping to pick new furniture, helping the other person make their bed, or thoughtful gestures such as turning the other person's electric blanket on (mainly my husband doing that for me) when they are out in the evening.
Rule 4
The sex rule. Conjugal visits should take into consideration freshly washed sheets!
We are fairly strict with each other when it comes to the rules. They are vital to us to ensure we make the effort to maintain the physical contact that couples who share a bed may indeed take for granted.
Our rules connect us to each other around the daily event of sleeping - just the same as when we sit at the table with each other to have dinner.
Funnily enough my co-author Sue has a similar set of rules with her husband. Their rules and rituals were established a long time ago also, but we did laugh when we discovered how similarly we treated this aspect of our relationships. I do wonder how other couples who sleep separately address the gap left by sleeping apart when it comes to taking care of their relationship.
So we will keep 'playing by the rules'...... it's kept us in the game so far.
01 September 2011
Folk like me
As mentioned quite a few posts ago, I am in the early stages of writing a book about sleeping separately. The book will be co-authored with my dear friend Sue - who will be enticed into blogging one day soon.
After a recent, and most encouraging, meeting with Sally Collings - a published author and mentor at the Queensland Writers Centre - we are stepping up a gear and getting some more work done on the book. A large part of this work is interviewing people.
Faced with the prospect of finding interesting candidates to interview, I have been asking everyone I know, if they know of anyone who would be worth talking to about different sleeping behaviours.
This tactic has proven to be very worthwhile and I have some great interviews lined up:
I feel like I'm going to find a whole new bunch of 'homies'.
After a recent, and most encouraging, meeting with Sally Collings - a published author and mentor at the Queensland Writers Centre - we are stepping up a gear and getting some more work done on the book. A large part of this work is interviewing people.
Faced with the prospect of finding interesting candidates to interview, I have been asking everyone I know, if they know of anyone who would be worth talking to about different sleeping behaviours.
This tactic has proven to be very worthwhile and I have some great interviews lined up:
- a couple married for 50+ years who started sleeping separately as soon as their children left home, which was 30 years ago
- a girl whose relationship ended because her partner would not let her sleep separately - even though she could not share a bed with him because of snoring and restless legs
- a good friend who has just started sleeping with her husband again after 9.5 years - they have been married for 10 years
I feel like I'm going to find a whole new bunch of 'homies'.
18 August 2011
Once upon a time
In my late teens and early 20s the dream was pretty simple. In fact it was so simple, I couldn't believe why some of those 'older' folks made such a big deal about marriage and why their partner wasn't suitable any more, blah, blah,blah.... my path was clear. So clear it was positively sparkling.
It went something like this.
After having a whale of a time at uni, I would start my career and have some flings in my early 20s to sow my wild oats and gather a bit of experience in the relationship game. In my mid 20s I would find a wonderful, attractive, rich, caring (I could go on) man who would marry me at 26, take me travelling to exotic locations, share war stories with me from our fabulous corporate careers and then have me 'with child' just before my 30th birthday.
We would probably have three children, a mixture of genders. Our dinner parties would be legendary and our holiday home at the Sunshine Coast would ring long through warm summer evenings with the clinking of champagne glasses and the laughter of our dearest friends. Our house would be contemporary with the master bedroom being luxuriously spacious, repleat with walk in robe and a bathroom with his and hers sinks.
Mmmmm........ where did it all go wrong?
In hindsight, I think I may have shared the same fatally flawed life plan with a few contemporaries, and we possibly formed our misguided ideas from a montage of articles and advice columns patched together from Marie Claire, Cosmpolitan and a few other highly 'reliable' sources.
Back in those carefree, fantasy days however, sleeping with my partner was not an issue at all. In fact, I loved it. The thought of snuggling up to my boyfriend and being so naughty as sleeping nude, was a very exciting part of being in a relationship. Sneaking a night in a bed together was so daringly dangerous and, as we grew older, going away for a holiday together was enough to keep me giddy all week.
Until my early 30s, I would have looked with pity, at a middle-aged woman who couldn't and wouldn't sleep in the same bed as her husband. Freak, loser, weirdo, sad-o, old maid, mid-life crises lady! And yet here is where I find myself.
I don't however, feel as though I fit any of these labels. Such is the joy of growing older and caring less about the 'names that do not hurt me'. (I do care about the more brittle bones though and how they would break so much easier now from stray sticks and stones) (And any day now, I may just decided that I really don't need high heels any more and that flat shoes or ones with just small heels are all that is required in the wardrobe).
The blog To Love, Honor and Dismay has a great story and discussion about couples and sleeping. The comments on this blog post make for a great read and provide a wide ranging discussion about couples sleeping apart. There are supporters and dissenters of the practice, who both give compelling reasons for their stance on the subject.
And THAT'S THE POINT! There shouldn't be a 'one size fits all' approach to sleeping. As I have noted earlier, one great feature of the human race is that we are partly defined by our differences. We don't all like the same food and alcohol, don't all cheer for the same team or the same sports or like the same television shows. So why do we all have to like sharing a bed with someone? And if we don't like it - why is it so weird?
I've never heard someone foretell the end of a marriage because one person likes anchovies and the other doesn't. "Oh... they're having a half-and-half pizza. Must like different toppings - they'll never last ".
So my fairy tale life has turned out to have quite a different ending. I figure though that Snow White probably never counted on such a disastrous attempt to keep up with her fruit and veg intake, or house sharing with not two or three, but seven needy men - but she ended up where she needed to be.
And so have I - happily ever after.
It went something like this.
After having a whale of a time at uni, I would start my career and have some flings in my early 20s to sow my wild oats and gather a bit of experience in the relationship game. In my mid 20s I would find a wonderful, attractive, rich, caring (I could go on) man who would marry me at 26, take me travelling to exotic locations, share war stories with me from our fabulous corporate careers and then have me 'with child' just before my 30th birthday.
We would probably have three children, a mixture of genders. Our dinner parties would be legendary and our holiday home at the Sunshine Coast would ring long through warm summer evenings with the clinking of champagne glasses and the laughter of our dearest friends. Our house would be contemporary with the master bedroom being luxuriously spacious, repleat with walk in robe and a bathroom with his and hers sinks.
Here's what we looked like having fun in the garden on the weekend!
Mmmmm........ where did it all go wrong?
In hindsight, I think I may have shared the same fatally flawed life plan with a few contemporaries, and we possibly formed our misguided ideas from a montage of articles and advice columns patched together from Marie Claire, Cosmpolitan and a few other highly 'reliable' sources.
Back in those carefree, fantasy days however, sleeping with my partner was not an issue at all. In fact, I loved it. The thought of snuggling up to my boyfriend and being so naughty as sleeping nude, was a very exciting part of being in a relationship. Sneaking a night in a bed together was so daringly dangerous and, as we grew older, going away for a holiday together was enough to keep me giddy all week.
Until my early 30s, I would have looked with pity, at a middle-aged woman who couldn't and wouldn't sleep in the same bed as her husband. Freak, loser, weirdo, sad-o, old maid, mid-life crises lady! And yet here is where I find myself.
I don't however, feel as though I fit any of these labels. Such is the joy of growing older and caring less about the 'names that do not hurt me'. (I do care about the more brittle bones though and how they would break so much easier now from stray sticks and stones) (And any day now, I may just decided that I really don't need high heels any more and that flat shoes or ones with just small heels are all that is required in the wardrobe).
The blog To Love, Honor and Dismay has a great story and discussion about couples and sleeping. The comments on this blog post make for a great read and provide a wide ranging discussion about couples sleeping apart. There are supporters and dissenters of the practice, who both give compelling reasons for their stance on the subject.
And THAT'S THE POINT! There shouldn't be a 'one size fits all' approach to sleeping. As I have noted earlier, one great feature of the human race is that we are partly defined by our differences. We don't all like the same food and alcohol, don't all cheer for the same team or the same sports or like the same television shows. So why do we all have to like sharing a bed with someone? And if we don't like it - why is it so weird?
I've never heard someone foretell the end of a marriage because one person likes anchovies and the other doesn't. "Oh... they're having a half-and-half pizza. Must like different toppings - they'll never last ".
So my fairy tale life has turned out to have quite a different ending. I figure though that Snow White probably never counted on such a disastrous attempt to keep up with her fruit and veg intake, or house sharing with not two or three, but seven needy men - but she ended up where she needed to be.
And so have I - happily ever after.
10 August 2011
Timing and temperature
As winter turns through some early death rolls, the unseasonably warm days are still not enough for me to stop using my electric blanket. I LOVE my electric blanket. Slipping in between my sheets each night when they have been warmed to toasted-sandwich-machine proportions is, if you ask me, one of the great luxuries of life.
The colder winter evenings dictate that one side of the bed also must be left on a low heat setting to ensure snugness throughout the night. And that's the way I like to deal with the business of sleeping through a Brisbane winter. It is not however, how my husband copes.
For only the second winter, he too put an electric blanket on his bed. But, it is a blanket that is little troubled with the task of heating his sheets. Its controls are only troubled on very cold evenings and only to warm the bed up for entry.
Being a stock-standard human being who frames her reality through the lens of all that is my world and my perspective on the world, I cannot, for the life of me, 'get' the concept of wanting to slip between cold sheets on a cold night. But it turns out that my husband mostly does and he also does not share my love of the thermo-nuclear.
At a party last night, I spoke with a couple who shared that the man slept every night of the year with a fan on him. The lady pulled a face when she explained that she did not like it and was at pains to point out that the fan was only on him. They also shared that he is an early riser who often wakes her as he arises most days between 4-5am and she likes to sleep in. I listened with fascination, my mind churning with deep interest, and just a little jealousy that they continue to co-habitate a bed with such different needs in their sleep patterns.
I often listen to these types of conversations with varying degrees of jealousy. Are my husband and I that dysfunctional that we can't just put our differences aside and compromise enough to hop into the same bed every night like so many couples do? My jealousy's source is that if we tried harder, we too would experience that wonderful togetherness all the other co-sleeping couples do. But then, as often happens, the conversation continues into the fields of truth and reality and all my insecurities are allayed.
The lady in the couple then went on to say that she often sleeps in a spare room when the number of nights of broken sleep she has endured means she is starting to suffer at work and all those around her are suffering from her short fuse and muddled mind. When I heard this part of the story, my anxiety melts with global-warming speed and I again feel confident that we are making a good decision - albeit one that is pragmatic (and bordering on prosaic) and definitely not romantic.
However, as Elynor Glyn, the British novelist and scriptwriter who pioneered mass-market women's erotic fiction said "Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze" and really, who wants to walk around in a haze every day? Even golden hazes lose their lustre after a few days and if not dealt with can often turn into a stifling pall that becomes hard to navigate. Just ask the folk of Beijing or Mumbai in middle of summer.
So in my ongoing quest for normalising (see post below) I place another snippet of anthropological insight into the filing cabinet of 'Jenny', slip into the thermal delight that is my bed in winter, and look forward to a good night's sleep that will go a long way to clearly seeing the challenges of the next day.
13 July 2011
In sickness and in health
How on earth do couples share a bed when one of them is ill? Sharing a house is bad enough when one of you is less than 100%; but having the patience and skills to share a bed when winter illnesses arrive just mystifies me.
Last Monday evening I fell foul of viral pharyngitis. As well as sounding terribly deadly, the effects of the pharyngitis were indeed most deadly. In under two hours, I cascaded from being a picture of health to thrashing around in my bed, coughing up both lungs (and a few extra I didn't know I had), swallowing endlessly in an attempt to alleviate a burning throat and feeling terribly, terribly sorry for myself.
The complicating factor with being so sick, was that on Thursday evening, my husband and I were flying to Melbourne to celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary, so the last thing I wanted or needed was to be ill. But ill I was!
So as I lay in bed, close to death and thinking about phoning the ambulance (and not being overly dramatic at all), I was thankful that I didn't have to consider another body next to me, trying to sleep. When I gave up trying to sleep at about 1.30am, I was even more grateful as I turned out the light, grabbed the latest book and gave in to the fact that I was not going to be falling asleep at any point soon.
At 4.00am, when I was still awake, entertaining a myriad of irrantional thoughts and feeling as though evil spirits had entered my body, I could not stop praising Hypnos, the God of Sleep, for leading me down the path of the single sleeper.
Seriously!!! What does a person who shares a bed do, faced with this scenario?
I would be wracked with guilt if I kept my partner awake due to illness and I would be equally as cranky if I shared a bed with someone who kept me up all night with snorting, sniffing and late night reading. And I am sure that guilt is not good for getting better - too much adrenalin involved.
I do wonder how many others lie in bed feeling the guilt, or feeling the urge to kill, due to a sick partner. Further investigation is required.
Last Monday evening I fell foul of viral pharyngitis. As well as sounding terribly deadly, the effects of the pharyngitis were indeed most deadly. In under two hours, I cascaded from being a picture of health to thrashing around in my bed, coughing up both lungs (and a few extra I didn't know I had), swallowing endlessly in an attempt to alleviate a burning throat and feeling terribly, terribly sorry for myself.
The complicating factor with being so sick, was that on Thursday evening, my husband and I were flying to Melbourne to celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary, so the last thing I wanted or needed was to be ill. But ill I was!
So as I lay in bed, close to death and thinking about phoning the ambulance (and not being overly dramatic at all), I was thankful that I didn't have to consider another body next to me, trying to sleep. When I gave up trying to sleep at about 1.30am, I was even more grateful as I turned out the light, grabbed the latest book and gave in to the fact that I was not going to be falling asleep at any point soon.
At 4.00am, when I was still awake, entertaining a myriad of irrantional thoughts and feeling as though evil spirits had entered my body, I could not stop praising Hypnos, the God of Sleep, for leading me down the path of the single sleeper.
Seriously!!! What does a person who shares a bed do, faced with this scenario?
I would be wracked with guilt if I kept my partner awake due to illness and I would be equally as cranky if I shared a bed with someone who kept me up all night with snorting, sniffing and late night reading. And I am sure that guilt is not good for getting better - too much adrenalin involved.
I do wonder how many others lie in bed feeling the guilt, or feeling the urge to kill, due to a sick partner. Further investigation is required.
04 July 2011
Everybody's doing it!
Us humans like to know we are normal. Of course, the flaw in this need is that the definition of normal is reliant on so many uncontrollable variables. There's culture, age, gender, values, class.... etc, etc, that get in the way of finding our own 'normal'. I would like to think that sleeping in a separate bed from my husband has a 'normalness' to it and this, on deep reflection, is one of my key drivers for writing about the behaviour.
I am beginning to write a book about sleeping separately with a friend who also sleeps separately from her husband. Our need to have our own beds shares similiarities and has different motivations. However, we both experienced a certain level of joy when we first disclosed the details of our bed time realities to each other. I think that even knowing one other person shared my 'not so normal' behaviour, made me feel a little less abnormal.
I did know that other friends would sometimes - or often in some secret cases - sleep in a different bed to their partner, but I had not met someone who was a purposeful separate sleeper like me.
Sue and I have talked about our decision, and the implications of such, for a few years now, and as mentioned, have started to write a book. In researching our book we have discovered that there are quite a few famous folk that share our need to slumber solo. Some share the need for separate rooms and some go so far as enjoying a good relationship that exists across separate houses.
Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter quite famously have separate houses - albeit houses that have an adjoining corridor. Bonham Carter speaks quite fondly of how their arrangement allows them to enjoy their own domestic decorating styles and televison habits. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are rumoured to sleep apart due to Tom's snoring, and snoring apparently keeps Kevin Jonas, at the tender age of 23, apart from his wife of less than two years. And then there were the very extreme measures taken by Mia Farrow and Woody Allen who maintained separate apartments across New York’s Central Park for a number of years. Unfortunately, one might not consider that a great example, considering the outcome.
So to know that famous folk are 'doin' it too', just makes me feel that little more mainstream. Because if you consider the percentage of famous people to ordinary people, I figure there is some normalising in those numbers to help me justify in feeling confident that there are lots of couples out there who kiss each other good night each night, then hit a pillow in different beds.
I am beginning to write a book about sleeping separately with a friend who also sleeps separately from her husband. Our need to have our own beds shares similiarities and has different motivations. However, we both experienced a certain level of joy when we first disclosed the details of our bed time realities to each other. I think that even knowing one other person shared my 'not so normal' behaviour, made me feel a little less abnormal.
I did know that other friends would sometimes - or often in some secret cases - sleep in a different bed to their partner, but I had not met someone who was a purposeful separate sleeper like me.
Sue and I have talked about our decision, and the implications of such, for a few years now, and as mentioned, have started to write a book. In researching our book we have discovered that there are quite a few famous folk that share our need to slumber solo. Some share the need for separate rooms and some go so far as enjoying a good relationship that exists across separate houses.
Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter quite famously have separate houses - albeit houses that have an adjoining corridor. Bonham Carter speaks quite fondly of how their arrangement allows them to enjoy their own domestic decorating styles and televison habits. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are rumoured to sleep apart due to Tom's snoring, and snoring apparently keeps Kevin Jonas, at the tender age of 23, apart from his wife of less than two years. And then there were the very extreme measures taken by Mia Farrow and Woody Allen who maintained separate apartments across New York’s Central Park for a number of years. Unfortunately, one might not consider that a great example, considering the outcome.
So to know that famous folk are 'doin' it too', just makes me feel that little more mainstream. Because if you consider the percentage of famous people to ordinary people, I figure there is some normalising in those numbers to help me justify in feeling confident that there are lots of couples out there who kiss each other good night each night, then hit a pillow in different beds.
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