It's a no-brainer

no-brain.er
n. Informal
         Something so simple or easy as to require no thought.

That's what sleeping separately is for some people - an activity/decision/event/behaviour that requires a minimal amount of thought when deciding if it's for them.

I have spoken with three couples recently who practice 'sometimes separate sleeping'. Each couple spoke about sleeping apart for about 2-5 night a week for the same singular purpose - so they can sleep.

Well that's a no-brainer!!

Let me break it down to clarify why they think it's a no-brainer.

• They have trouble sleeping with each other
• They want to feel rested and ready to function properly at their job the next day or to look after children
• They go to separate beds so they can get the sleep they need

What? There's no more I hear you ask?

No..... it's a no-brainer!

In fact, the couples I spoke to describe it as a logical, sensible, rational, practical, commonsensical and pragmatic(le) decision, and one they are all so glad they have made. It's part of their life and does not equate to how successful or happy their relationship is - it just keeps them sane and functioning.

Every individual eventually works out what keeps them sane. It's probably an activitiy that they do alone, that gives them the time out they need to refocus and regroup. Without a level of calm and balance, life can become sub-optimal and who wants that?

Here is a random, hastily-prepared list of stuff that I can think of that people do to bring back the balance in their life. (I did look at a lot of websites that talked about inner peace, clearing the mind, letting go of 'energy drainers', aligning one's chakras and things similar, and while there's nothing wrong with lining those chakras up if it helps you get through the day - no judgement here - I tend to live a more practical life, so here's what I think people do).

What I know is that people run, play team sports, become engrossed in a book (probably 50 Shades of Grey at the moment), play with children or pets, do craft or art, surf the web, do a sudoko or crossword, visit their friends, have a glass or 5 of wine, meditate, do yoga, go to the beach, go to the movies, lock themselves in their room, make a cake, clean the family silver, or.............................................. fill in the space if your sanity activity hasn't been listed - because there is no way I can list all the stuff people do to find some sanity when life runs on the hectic side.

So if there is an endless list of activities that help us humans get our grip back, why is spending the occasional night away from a loving, but possibly annoying partner who stops you from sleeping, any different?

Well, of course, I don't think it is.

I think it's a no-brainer.

So next time you are lying next to the person you love the most and they are snoring, thrashing, teeth grinding, reading, iPad-ing or stealing your sheets and blankets.... all I can say is that there is a 

if you want it.

We need to talk...

How well do you communicate?   (this is actually a trick question - don't answer it)

Making the move to sleep separately may require on of those conversations that start with a big, long breath and a pained expression. Even if both parties know it has to happen or even want it to happen, there is still a high chance that one of the couple might have their feelings hurt or just not be in the right space to hear the news.

A quick search on the internet for how to best communicate with your partner yields millions of results - 8m + to be a little more exact.

I find this most appropriate, for there are millions of ways that are both right and wrong to communicate with your partner.

The tricky part of communicating with anyone really is the variables. These are the tricky bits to navigate with each other that make talking with another person in the pursuit of an outcome a veritable mine field.

My challenge - time myself for a minute and think of as many variables as I can that affect good clear communication between couples. And go...

• time of the day
• what's on television at that time
• level of stress caused by work, children, public transport, finances, sporting results
• time of the month (a lady one)
• trying to initiate or build up to sex
• sporting success or lack thereof during the day
• career trajectory
• relationship with their or your friends and family
• mood swings
• amount of food sating a hungry belly
• amount of alcohol consumed, or not

There is SO (yes... capitals are necessary) much STUFF (yes... necessary again) that impacts on how well we communicate, that even if you have a gold medal in couples communication, there might be times when it all goes horribly wrong. This is why the question at the top is a trick question - sometimes we're great and sometimes we are bloody awful.

It's the design of humans. So flawed. So unreliable. So dodgy. So endearing.

So if you ever wanted to raise the topic of sleeping separately from your partner, but were too afraid, I may have the answer for you.

If I'd had access to a Manslater when raising the issue of separate sleeping with my husband, I think I would have chosen the Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.

When I told him that he would have to sleep in his room because of the snoring, but that I still loved him and still wanted to spend time with him, and that our relationship was going to be fine because I trusted that there was so much else between us that not sharing a bed at night wouldn't take away from our new life together, and that we would not lose the closeness between us - it would just have to be explicit in other 'things' we did together, and that I still found him attractive and wanted to maintain our sex life, my Manslater would have summed it up with....... "Hasta la vista, baby!".

Now that's communicating.

The gift of bed

Tonight, a story to share from a friend of mine. I love this friend dearly and asked her recently to capture for me, part of a recent chapter of her life, as it's a chapter that has an aspect that's dear to my heart.

This friend's husband brought their 25 year marriage to an end through his thoughtless and rather selfish behaviour. (One word here - karma)

My friend was devastated in the months after the marriage ended and often wondered what life was going to look like without the person she had planned to spend her life with, sharing it with her.

I can happily report she is doing just fine, as most intelligent, capable and sensible people do. (Not that I am blindly biased or anything like that)

A surprising aspect of her post-marriage life has been how much she treasures having her own bed.

She writes in her story....

At fifty, I look back at my younger twenty-one-year-old self, and wonder why I gave up my own bed and room without question in the first place. I recall the excitement of the early days of marriage where sharing a room and a bed were symbols of my newly acquired marital status. In fact, not sharing a room and bed was never considered.

I think that she captures one of the 'constructs' I bleat on about when it comes to why our society places so much importance on bed sharing as a couple. It's a symbol that you are together - in every facet of your life. I was very grateful for her insight on that one. (I still don't agree with it, but I think I understand it more)

Her husband and her went on to experience the normal issues that arise in bed sharing - snoring, bed and room temperature, how to use sheets and blankets appropriately, excessive movement, etc., etc. But as a 'good wife and good couple' they persisted in sharing a bed, and she often found herself spending days in a "sleep-deprived stupor".

So here we are, 26 years down the track and now that she is free to explore what it's like to sleep solo - she is a convert. This is how she describes her sleeping arrangements circa 2012...

Now that I’ve had the luxury of my own room and my own bed again, I won’t be giving it up.  I love shutting the bedroom door behind me and entering my own space to relax and ponder and rest. It sustains and nurtures me. There is nothing I like better than slipping into my bed each night, knowing I will sleep undisturbed until morning.  Being able to spread out in a walk-in wardrobe is a definite plus as well.  In time, if life does happen to bring a second partner for me, he will definitely need to be happy with a two bed/two room policy.  

She called her story "The Gift of Bed" and I think it's a great gift for anyone to give themselves, if they can afford it.


(In reading and re-reading this post, I am concerned that I may sound a little biased towards separate sleeping. I'm certainly not pro-separate sleeping, just pro-having the choice to do so if that's what makes you happy. I think I'm just so happy for my friend that she has found something in her life that she really loves.

If she had found a new lease on life by climbing Mt Everest, or taking up crocheting, I would have been equally as enthusiastic. It's just that when someone else shares a pleasure you have - it's kind of neat.)

Anyone want to share?

Hello to the select few who read my blog!

I have asked before, but am making another plea - this one is dancing on the fringes of being empassioned - for any folk out there who either sleep separately themselves, or know of others who do, who would be willing to be interviewed for my book.

I now have a looming deal with a publisher and need more material for the book, so am keenly interested in talking to more separate sleepers.

You, or your friends/acquaintances/work mates/relatives, don't have to sleep separately all the time; the separateness may be a part-time arrangement, or a sometimes arrangement.

I am willing to email questions, or phone for a chat - whatever is convenient.

So if there's anyone who would like to share..... get in touch on

                  jennyadams007@gmail.com

If only....

As part of the ongoing research for my book, I trawl through many, many websites. Yesterday I was poking around on YouTube and came across a video from The Better Sleep Council that renders my whole thesis and reason for writing redundant. Oops.

If only……!!!

If only I could have the same the Pollyanna approach to my problems of sleeping with my husband.

If only they had not recognised that you might want to possibly move to another room if ear plugs don’t work if you sleep with a snorer in a 'very-fast-blink-and-you’ll-miss-it' kind of way. 

If only I didn't quite like their sleep facts chart I could be a bit more dismissive.

And if only I didn't triple love this offering in their Press Resources Artwork section!

Finally, if only, I could change the logo to suit my thoughts on the issue......

If only I could say 'thank you The Better Sleep Council' for helping me find my voice in a quirky logo and 5 mins on Photoshop.


(PS     If only Lissa could spell her name sensibly)
(PPS   If only Zombieitis was a real word)

Tooting your own horn

An advertisement for Ikea caught my eye the other day. God bless the Swedes.

The ad was two alternating panels down the left-hand size of a website and they caught my eye.

The images both resonated with, and highly entertained me. Farting in bed - is there anything worse?

If forced (gun to head, about to shoot my cats as well, blah blah blah....) to choose between a snoring or a farting partner to share a bed with, I would choose snoring. Without getting into capitals and bolding text, I hate being forced to smell someone else's farts. And I hate it even more when it's in bed.

The even more galling part about it being in bed is the hilarity that my partners, current and past, have had and still do take from the act. And it's not just my partners who find it hilarious, most men tend to and an array of euphamisms have emerged over years and cultures to add even more humour (please, oh please let my sarcasm be evident) to the practice:

For your edification and enlightenment:

Fartin in da spoon	When you are with someone in bed, (spooned together) and one farts.
Warm the bed	The act of farting in bed in order to provide a more inviting environment for one's partner
Dutch oven	While lying in bed with another person, pulling the covers over someone's head while breaking wind, thereby creating an unpleasant situation in an enclosed space
Middle Eastern Steamer	When a person of middle eastern descent farts under the covers in bed then pulls the covers over their partners face to breath in and enjoy the aroma
Summer Breeze	A Summer Breeze is the act of farting in bed, fanning it at your partner with the sheets while singing Summer Breeze by Seals and Crofts
Hermit Crab	Where a single person, lies in bed, passes gas and then pulls the covers over their own head to enjoy their own essence.

While I have heard of (and experienced far too many times) a dutch oven, the other terms certainly formed a cultural learning from me.

So, some questions.

1. Why are farts funny?
2. Why do men in particular find farts funny?
3. Why are they funnier in bed?
4. Why does anyone think that it's ok to fart in bed when another person is trying to sleep?
5. Why is it ok to kill yourself laughing when you fart in bed with another person in there?

Final questions on this topic.

1. Who thinks the Sultan pocket spring mattress from Ikea would go anyway to improving the lot of those who sleep with brazen farters?
2. Why do I like to sleep in my own bed and my own room?

And so I leave you with the immortal words of Donna Summer.... "Toot toot, beep beep."

Wakey wakey!

How do you like to be woken in the morning? Being lovingly gazed upon by George Clooney on D. Porthault bed linen, listening to Riva boats ferry the rich and beautiful between the shores of Lake Como? Or is that just me?

How we wake, or how we choose to be woken can have a big impact on the relative success of the day ahead. I'm not suggesting this happens all the time, but I'm confident we've all been there.

The methods by which people choose to wake will be many and varied. Us separate sleepers have the luxury of not only choosing the method, but changing it whenever and 'why-ever' we want.

I have written before about the app that I use called Sleep Cycle. This app monitors my sleep patterns throughout the night (I am still COMPLETELY addicted to reviewing them first thing every morning - 75 days after the purchase) and wakes me gently, and caringly, depending on which stage of the sleep cycle I am in. As well as being totally taken by seeing what I got up to during the night, I like the fact that I can snooze a criminal number of times, before my phone eventually says "Enough" and starts vibrating.

(Admission - I can sometimes be heard talking to my phone when it stirs me for the 10th time with it's gentle 'Forest glade' alarm sound. Unilateral conversations of "yeah, yeah", "alright, I heard you", "I know it's time to get up" and "oh shut up" are not uncommon on the mornings of sub-7-hour sleeps.)

So what do the couples who share a bed do when they don't have the same desires when it comes to being aroused from slumber?

I had a boyfriend who wanted to be woken by TripleM on the radio every morning. For the non-Australian readers, click the link and the stories adorning the front page should give you a pretty good indication of the station's target audience. As I link through this evening, here's what's on offer....

If you like naked women and women kissing other women, then you have arrived at your dream radio station. But I digress. The main issue I had was that it is a hard rock station, on which a lot of "great rock hits from the 80s, 90s and now" were played. Quite simply, I kinda hate great rock hits from most eras. For the record, I mostly listen to Triple J - for mine, it's just a little more cerebral and interesting.

So back to the sleeping and the waking..... I can't tell you how many times I was wrenched from my sleep by a mid-40s, gravelly male voice, screaming unintelligible lyrics. I hated it. I would be cranky, and even more so, when I knew the boyfriend took perverse pleasure in knowing it annoyed me. This is just one of the myriad of reasons he is a past tense person.

Some folk wake up in the morning and bound into each day with a vim and vigour that is admirable. I am at the other end of the scale - hence arguing with an app on my phone - and I know there are others like me, who like to gently mosey on in to the day, quietly gathering their thoughts about the adventures awaiting us.

When you sleep with someone who has a different approach to greeting each new day, it can be a struggle to arrive at a mutually accepted method of waking.

So for those who may be struggling with their choice of wakening devices, consider this great app. And the bonus is, it comes with a funky gadget.

Before watching the video of the device in action, check out the great 'Sleep Tip' video the designers of the app have made. This one is #6 - The Cranky Girlfriend.

The app is the Lark alarm and sleep monitoring system. Click here to check out all the deets - or enjoy the YouTube video with at least better acting than the differently weighted duvet videos.

(Was v excited to see some Ikea cushions on the bed that I have too - the brown spotty ones.)

Is this the solution you have been looking for?

Until the morning then, I bid you a good night.

Can I quote you on that.....

Quotation, n.: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Do you have a favourite quote? A saying, or three, by which you live your life and explain away certain actions or decisions? It may, or may not surprise you to learn that there are many quotes about sleeping. In fact, there are pages and pages on the internet - and I haven't even considered looking through books of quotes (don't know if their index will be thorough and swift as Google).

I am using two types of quotes in my book. More formal quotes that capture a particular theme or message of a chaper, and then the quotes of the various people I am interviewing or discovering on blogs and chat rooms.

I thought I would share some of my favourite quotes to date. I shalln't give reasons for the inclusion of each one - suffice to say they have tickled my fancy and pricked my interest for a variety of reasons. I offer them here for consideration and enlightenment.

“All this fuss about sleeping together.

For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day”.

Evelyn Waugh

“If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen”

George Carlin

"Roll, twist, struggle, kick, fuss, sigh" Anonymous

"I think there’s something wrong. Her parents aren’t sleeping in the same bed anymore."
Gretchen Wieners, “Mean Girls”

"While I understand that my husband needs to go to the toilet during the night, must the activity involve the broken waterfall effect, a couple of farts and that much sighing?."   Sue, married 12 years

"It’s one of life’s little luxuries." (comment about farting in bed)

Ross, 42, Draftsman
 

“Sleep is my drug of choice”, Tanlee

The list we need to talk about....

I am feeling all smug and boastful at the moment after the female of a couple who recently stayed with us conceded that sleeping with her partner was not what she really wanted to be doing any more. The plans for her alternate existence involved having her own room where she wasn't interrupted by the short, sharp, but loud and repetitive snorts her husband emitted every night - some nights, louder and more often than others.

She explained to me though that it was what they were expected to do as they were married - they are in their late 60s.

This lady shared that she believed her partner would be most upset, because of the perceived rejection, if she were to suggest they sleep separately. She then, very quickly, followed this up with a well-rehearsed explanation that went something like "even though his snoring keeps me awake at night, it's so special to know that he is there next to me and when we wake next to each other and can lie and chat in bed, it makes all those sleepless nights seem worthwhile".

I do get that part of sleeping together, but the longing look on her face when she spoke about sleeping in her own bed belied the propaganda overtones of her generation's spiel.

As I have stated before, and will continue to do so, I am not anti bed-sharing. I am honestly jealous of those couples who get enough quality sleep each night in the company of their loved one. However, I feel dismay in equal proportions for those people who subject themselves to night after night of broken sleep for the sake of a social construct.

So while there is much that is warm, fuzzy and wonderful (low grade, blatant sarcasm noted by self) about sharing a bed, I put to you readers the list of what can go wrong.

I am supremely confident that I have not captured all the issues faced by couples who undertake the treacherous task of sleeping with each other, and invite anyone so inclined to add to the list either by comment or by email to me. Any new 'issues' will be included in the book.

This list is in no particular order; it includes both in-bed issues and what I call issued 'around' sleeping; some of the issues are ones that we don't really like to talk about (see the last three); and some are specific to a particular time in your life.

However, they are all behaviours or situations that can keep one or both people in the same bed from sleeping, and when they occur night after night, after night, after night....... you have to wonder.

Well, I do.

1. Snoring
2. Movement by partner
3. Sleeping with kids
4. Sleeping with pets
5. Loud breathing
6. Differing temperature needs
7. Getting up in the night to go to the toilet, get a drink, have a wander….
8. Reading in bed – lights on, noise of pages turning
9. Using computer, phone or other device in bed
10. Eating in bed
11. Watching TV in bed
12. Level of sound in the room
13. Level of light in the room
14. How you are woken – device for waking and the level of noise
15. The size of the bed
16. The firmness of the bed
17. Who gets to sleep on which side of the bed
18. Sheet textures
19. Amount and size of pillows
20. Differing sleep positions
21. To cuddle or not to cuddle
22. Teeth grinding
23. Sweating
24. Waking from dreams and nightmares
25. Going to bed angry
26. Sleep walking
27. Sleep talking
28. Insomnia
29. Illness – temporary or long term
30. Sleeping in the nude
31. Farting
32. Sleeping in the wet spot

Are there more? Please add to the list if you can.

I'm glad we got to share.

Heating things up between the sheets

While my blog is focussed on separate sleeping, I do acknowledge and celebrate those couples who happily, and even blissfully sleep in the same bed night after night.
I used to do it too. But those days are long gone.

While some couples 'sleeping planets' align perfectly and they can lie next to each other in perfect harmony, some do still have small niggles that need some attention. The temperature of the bed is a very common niggle. But fear not - there are companies out there that have heard the call.

(Disclaimer: this is not a comprehensively researched blog entry and there may indeed be companies that have a similar solution, but not a cheesey video, so I didn't include them)

First there's CosyCool adjustable duvets (doonas). The company's video to describe how their 'solution works' wasn't quite as entertaining as they may have intended it to be, but it gets the message across.

Maybe there's just not that much money in tog-adjustable duvets (doonas) and CosyCool hasn't been able to really sink some big bucks into an advertising campaign as yet.

Then there's the Twovet - the duvet for two who brush off the suggestion of sleeping apart to solve temperature problems - herecy!

Another solution that I can offer is to purchase two differently weighted single duvets (doonas) and enjoying your own bed clothing that can't be wrenched from you in a dramatic rolling manouvre during the night.

While the solution does not make for a very interesing product or possibly a great video. It's simple and doesn't require an overseas purchase.

If social modesty inhibits such a brash display of individualism, may I suggest a cover is strategically placed over the single doonas to give the illusion of togetherness.

So once again planets can align, and mars and venus can lie peacefully next to each other.