Wakey wakey!

How do you like to be woken in the morning? Being lovingly gazed upon by George Clooney on D. Porthault bed linen, listening to Riva boats ferry the rich and beautiful between the shores of Lake Como? Or is that just me?

How we wake, or how we choose to be woken can have a big impact on the relative success of the day ahead. I'm not suggesting this happens all the time, but I'm confident we've all been there.

The methods by which people choose to wake will be many and varied. Us separate sleepers have the luxury of not only choosing the method, but changing it whenever and 'why-ever' we want.

I have written before about the app that I use called Sleep Cycle. This app monitors my sleep patterns throughout the night (I am still COMPLETELY addicted to reviewing them first thing every morning - 75 days after the purchase) and wakes me gently, and caringly, depending on which stage of the sleep cycle I am in. As well as being totally taken by seeing what I got up to during the night, I like the fact that I can snooze a criminal number of times, before my phone eventually says "Enough" and starts vibrating.

(Admission - I can sometimes be heard talking to my phone when it stirs me for the 10th time with it's gentle 'Forest glade' alarm sound. Unilateral conversations of "yeah, yeah", "alright, I heard you", "I know it's time to get up" and "oh shut up" are not uncommon on the mornings of sub-7-hour sleeps.)

So what do the couples who share a bed do when they don't have the same desires when it comes to being aroused from slumber?

I had a boyfriend who wanted to be woken by TripleM on the radio every morning. For the non-Australian readers, click the link and the stories adorning the front page should give you a pretty good indication of the station's target audience. As I link through this evening, here's what's on offer....

If you like naked women and women kissing other women, then you have arrived at your dream radio station. But I digress. The main issue I had was that it is a hard rock station, on which a lot of "great rock hits from the 80s, 90s and now" were played. Quite simply, I kinda hate great rock hits from most eras. For the record, I mostly listen to Triple J - for mine, it's just a little more cerebral and interesting.

So back to the sleeping and the waking..... I can't tell you how many times I was wrenched from my sleep by a mid-40s, gravelly male voice, screaming unintelligible lyrics. I hated it. I would be cranky, and even more so, when I knew the boyfriend took perverse pleasure in knowing it annoyed me. This is just one of the myriad of reasons he is a past tense person.

Some folk wake up in the morning and bound into each day with a vim and vigour that is admirable. I am at the other end of the scale - hence arguing with an app on my phone - and I know there are others like me, who like to gently mosey on in to the day, quietly gathering their thoughts about the adventures awaiting us.

When you sleep with someone who has a different approach to greeting each new day, it can be a struggle to arrive at a mutually accepted method of waking.

So for those who may be struggling with their choice of wakening devices, consider this great app. And the bonus is, it comes with a funky gadget.

Before watching the video of the device in action, check out the great 'Sleep Tip' video the designers of the app have made. This one is #6 - The Cranky Girlfriend.

The app is the Lark alarm and sleep monitoring system. Click here to check out all the deets - or enjoy the YouTube video with at least better acting than the differently weighted duvet videos.

(Was v excited to see some Ikea cushions on the bed that I have too - the brown spotty ones.)

Is this the solution you have been looking for?

Until the morning then, I bid you a good night.

Can I quote you on that.....

Quotation, n.: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Do you have a favourite quote? A saying, or three, by which you live your life and explain away certain actions or decisions? It may, or may not surprise you to learn that there are many quotes about sleeping. In fact, there are pages and pages on the internet - and I haven't even considered looking through books of quotes (don't know if their index will be thorough and swift as Google).

I am using two types of quotes in my book. More formal quotes that capture a particular theme or message of a chaper, and then the quotes of the various people I am interviewing or discovering on blogs and chat rooms.

I thought I would share some of my favourite quotes to date. I shalln't give reasons for the inclusion of each one - suffice to say they have tickled my fancy and pricked my interest for a variety of reasons. I offer them here for consideration and enlightenment.

“All this fuss about sleeping together.

For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day”.

Evelyn Waugh

“If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen”

George Carlin

"Roll, twist, struggle, kick, fuss, sigh" Anonymous

"I think there’s something wrong. Her parents aren’t sleeping in the same bed anymore."
Gretchen Wieners, “Mean Girls”

"While I understand that my husband needs to go to the toilet during the night, must the activity involve the broken waterfall effect, a couple of farts and that much sighing?."   Sue, married 12 years

"It’s one of life’s little luxuries." (comment about farting in bed)

Ross, 42, Draftsman
 

“Sleep is my drug of choice”, Tanlee

The list we need to talk about....

I am feeling all smug and boastful at the moment after the female of a couple who recently stayed with us conceded that sleeping with her partner was not what she really wanted to be doing any more. The plans for her alternate existence involved having her own room where she wasn't interrupted by the short, sharp, but loud and repetitive snorts her husband emitted every night - some nights, louder and more often than others.

She explained to me though that it was what they were expected to do as they were married - they are in their late 60s.

This lady shared that she believed her partner would be most upset, because of the perceived rejection, if she were to suggest they sleep separately. She then, very quickly, followed this up with a well-rehearsed explanation that went something like "even though his snoring keeps me awake at night, it's so special to know that he is there next to me and when we wake next to each other and can lie and chat in bed, it makes all those sleepless nights seem worthwhile".

I do get that part of sleeping together, but the longing look on her face when she spoke about sleeping in her own bed belied the propaganda overtones of her generation's spiel.

As I have stated before, and will continue to do so, I am not anti bed-sharing. I am honestly jealous of those couples who get enough quality sleep each night in the company of their loved one. However, I feel dismay in equal proportions for those people who subject themselves to night after night of broken sleep for the sake of a social construct.

So while there is much that is warm, fuzzy and wonderful (low grade, blatant sarcasm noted by self) about sharing a bed, I put to you readers the list of what can go wrong.

I am supremely confident that I have not captured all the issues faced by couples who undertake the treacherous task of sleeping with each other, and invite anyone so inclined to add to the list either by comment or by email to me. Any new 'issues' will be included in the book.

This list is in no particular order; it includes both in-bed issues and what I call issued 'around' sleeping; some of the issues are ones that we don't really like to talk about (see the last three); and some are specific to a particular time in your life.

However, they are all behaviours or situations that can keep one or both people in the same bed from sleeping, and when they occur night after night, after night, after night....... you have to wonder.

Well, I do.

1. Snoring
2. Movement by partner
3. Sleeping with kids
4. Sleeping with pets
5. Loud breathing
6. Differing temperature needs
7. Getting up in the night to go to the toilet, get a drink, have a wander….
8. Reading in bed – lights on, noise of pages turning
9. Using computer, phone or other device in bed
10. Eating in bed
11. Watching TV in bed
12. Level of sound in the room
13. Level of light in the room
14. How you are woken – device for waking and the level of noise
15. The size of the bed
16. The firmness of the bed
17. Who gets to sleep on which side of the bed
18. Sheet textures
19. Amount and size of pillows
20. Differing sleep positions
21. To cuddle or not to cuddle
22. Teeth grinding
23. Sweating
24. Waking from dreams and nightmares
25. Going to bed angry
26. Sleep walking
27. Sleep talking
28. Insomnia
29. Illness – temporary or long term
30. Sleeping in the nude
31. Farting
32. Sleeping in the wet spot

Are there more? Please add to the list if you can.

I'm glad we got to share.

Heating things up between the sheets

While my blog is focussed on separate sleeping, I do acknowledge and celebrate those couples who happily, and even blissfully sleep in the same bed night after night.
I used to do it too. But those days are long gone.

While some couples 'sleeping planets' align perfectly and they can lie next to each other in perfect harmony, some do still have small niggles that need some attention. The temperature of the bed is a very common niggle. But fear not - there are companies out there that have heard the call.

(Disclaimer: this is not a comprehensively researched blog entry and there may indeed be companies that have a similar solution, but not a cheesey video, so I didn't include them)

First there's CosyCool adjustable duvets (doonas). The company's video to describe how their 'solution works' wasn't quite as entertaining as they may have intended it to be, but it gets the message across.

Maybe there's just not that much money in tog-adjustable duvets (doonas) and CosyCool hasn't been able to really sink some big bucks into an advertising campaign as yet.

Then there's the Twovet - the duvet for two who brush off the suggestion of sleeping apart to solve temperature problems - herecy!

Another solution that I can offer is to purchase two differently weighted single duvets (doonas) and enjoying your own bed clothing that can't be wrenched from you in a dramatic rolling manouvre during the night.

While the solution does not make for a very interesing product or possibly a great video. It's simple and doesn't require an overseas purchase.

If social modesty inhibits such a brash display of individualism, may I suggest a cover is strategically placed over the single doonas to give the illusion of togetherness.

So once again planets can align, and mars and venus can lie peacefully next to each other.

The silence of the sheets

I have written about many of the overt and obvious behaviours that create problems in bed. There are the in-between-the-sheets problems, such as snoring and bed cover stealing, and the problems that are created 'around' sleeping, such as differing bed times and temperature requirements.

But there is also a silent sleeping issue that instills fear into a loved-one's hearts, or that fuels the fires of an angry interchange between bed-sharing partners.

Allan Pease would be a more informed writer on the topic - it's the non-verbals of not getting along.

We all know that non-verbals are as equal, if not more powerful, than verbals when it comes to how people 'talk' to each other. I have such strong memories of heading to bed with a partner after a fierce showdown and dreading having to lie next to him. The urge to punch and/or suffocate said partner was often strongly resisted, balanced equally with the desperately sought desire to sleep.

Similarly, I was often the person in the partnership racked with guilt about bad behaviour, but unable to climb over a high wall of pride to admit my wrong doings.

Either scenario, however, probably looked a little something like this.......

I'm neither a pyschologist, nor relationship counsellor, but I don't think that any of these images scream "I'm getting a great night's sleep!!". (Mind you, the men in pictures 1 and 3 do look particularly peaceful - I won't even go there)

Taking a stressful situation to bed with you is not an ideal environment in which to sleep. The non-verbals associated with an argument can become a physical presence in a bed with a couple. It's the other 'person' who comes to have a threesome, that you really didn't want or invite.

Turned backs, stiff bodies, seriously loud and exaggerated sighing, dramatic turns in the bed, and innocent pillows punched, can all add up to lying for hours staring at the clock, the ceiling, or the inside of your eyelids.

The double whammy comes in the morning when you both awake to try to sort out the problem. You've got a foggy head and are unable to reason through the issues, because you have barely slept and are genuinely incapable of good logic.

How about this for a suggestion? You and your partner have a disagreement/argument/
stoush/whammy of a fight; you say what you can to smooth some waters over before bed time (or not); you then agree that some time apart might give you space and the chance to think things through.

Logically, what I am working towards is separate beds - be it for a night or longer. I can hear thousands, nay millions screaming that you need to go to bed with your estranged partner to keep the intimacy there in times of crisis and how can you have 'great make up sex' if you're not lying next to each other?

Sorry. I just don't agree.

I think there are many times where time apart can give you physical, emotional and mental space to work through problems and come to resolution faster than sticking it out in that small shared space.

And honestly, it's a personal thing. If my husband and I cannot resolve a fight before we go to sleep (and he is best at trying to get it resolved) we will still make sure we say 'I love you' and agree to sort the problem out the next day (or the day after). We realise that a tired head and heart aren't always the best tools to solve a breakdown in our relationship.

So we fight like any other couple, but don't need to get in to bed together to sort out the problem. Make up sex still happens, but it's not dependent on getting into a shared bed.

When we do disagree though, neither of us have to lie next to a stiffened board, or a flailing animal in death throes, huffing and puffing, as they work through their anger. We still make our way to our own rooms, taking care of each other's emotions and enjoying the gentle and welcoming silence of our own sheets.

I can't bear sleeping with you!

I've written before about famous couples who are quite open about sleeping separately.

There's the Queen and Prince Phillip, Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton, Diane von Furstenberg and her husband, and Bob Ellis and his wife. (For the non-Australians, Bob Ellis is a political commentator and journalist).

However, I came across another famous couple who are separate sleepers. And this quite famous couple might surprise you - it certainly did me.

They are a couple that many people would not expect to sleep apart as the veneer of their life is one of a happy, normal family with two loving parents. They eat together, exercise together and take care of each other when their family unit is challenged.

For years, it didn't cross my mind that they were thought leaders in separate sleeping but have been getting the message out there since the beginning of the 20th century.

Readers, I give you Mother Bear and Father Bear.

To quote Goldilocks - on discovering their avant garde sleeping arrangement:

    She climbed on to Father Bear's bed and said "this bed is too high for me"
     She then climbed on to Mother Bear's bed and said "this bed is too low for me"
     She then lay down on Baby Bear's bed and said "this is exactly right"

They slept in separate beds!! How did I miss it?

If only they were still around to interview.

Feeling appy?

I have a chapter in my (yet to be finished, picked up by a publisher, or printed) book about the science of sleep.

Part of the chapter explains why us human folk will sometimes wake up feeling just grand and sometimes waking up feeling like a grand piano has landed on us (and may still be there). It's all to do with body clocks, circadian rhythms, sleep cycles, and goes something a little like this.

We all have a sleep cycle that we move through each time we close our eyes to rest. There are five stages to the sleep cycle; each cycle lasting approximately 90 minutes. Four stages are non-REM (rapid eye movement) and one stage is REM sleep, when we do most of our active dreaming and our eyes tend to move – hence the name.

Getting good, restorative sleep is not just a matter of spending enough hours in bed. The amount of time you spend in each of the stages of sleep matters. A normal adult spends approximately 50% of total sleep time in light sleep, 20% in REM sleep, and 30% in the remaining stages, including deep sleep.

Each stage of sleep in the sleep cycle offers benefits to the sleeper. However, deep sleep and REM sleep are particularly important.

The most damaging effects of sleep deprivation are from inadequate deep sleep. Deep sleep is a time when the body repairs itself and builds up energy for the day ahead. It plays a major role in maintaining general health, stimulating growth and development, repairing muscles and tissues, and boosting your immune system. In order to wake up energised and refreshed, getting quality deep sleep is key. Being woken in the night during the deep sleep or REM stages can impact significantly on the quality of sleep had each night and can contribute to an increase in the symptoms experienced from lack of sleep.

After telling a friend about this aspect of sleeping, she shared with me that she has an app on her iPhone that monitors your sleep cycles and wakes you up at some point within a half-hour window, but at an appropriate pace and time to coincide with what part of your sleep cycle you are in. The app is called Sleep Cycle.

It's a reasonably priced app and I really quite like it. As well as having very calming sounds to wake me, it does do the whole 'work out where I am in my sleep cycle and wake me appropriately' thing, but best of all - you get a very cool graph of your sleep pattern each night, a record of how long you have slept, and an average sleeping time over the nights you use it.

Example of sleep graph

I'm not on commission to sell the app - just wanted to share with any like-minded geeks who think that seeing your sleep pattern and knowing how long you have slept each night (and average sleeping times) will add value to your life.

It is certainly keeping me 'appy at the moment.

BTW - avg sleeping time over 19 nights is 7hrs 22mins.

Calling all separate sleepers - or wannabe separate sleepers....

I am wondering if anyone who reads my blog would be interested in sharing their thoughts, opinions or experiences with me?

I am looking for material for my book and am keen to hear from:

1. Couples who sleep separately - even if it's just one person from the couple
2. People who would like to sleep separately, but don't know how to raise the subject
3. People who still sleep with their partner, but have a hard time doing so
4. People who know people who might fall into the categories above and can be convinced to share with me

If you would be willing to share, I would dearly love to hear from you by email.

My address is:    jennyadams007@gmail.com

If you send me an email with a brief outline of your situation, I will send back some questions for you to answer.

The task won't be onerous (I promise) and there will be a form to fill in to provide your consent for participation in the book.

My fingers are crossed.

Thank you in anticipation.

Jenny

O bed! O bed! delicious bed! That heaven upon earth to the weary head.

What do you do in your bed?

Not such a simple question. Beds are more often than not a space more than just a place to sleep.

If you think back to your teens, were there times you lay on your bed and thought about your latest crush, read a book, wrote in your diary or read a secret letter?

For most people their bed is not just a utilitarian furniture installation for sleeping. Although, I concede that this may indeed be the case for a minority of people. I feel sorry for these folks.

Why? Because there is a degree of 'haven' to a bed, and I guess that's why I value my own bed even more so.

No-one has any control over what happens in my bed. I can choose everything about my bed with sheer indulgent selfishness. 

I choose:

• what colour my sheets and doona cover are
• how warm or cool the bed will be
• how many pillows are on the bed during the day
• and the night
• who is given permission to visit
• and who isn't
• where I will sleep on the bed each night
• what I do in the bed - sleep, read, think, stare at the ceiling, cry, chat on the phone, browse the net, play games on my phone

So am I horribly selfish because I don't want to give any of the above up? I don't know if I care that I am or am not. I'm certainly not trying to sound all tough, insolent and broody, just honest.

I recently spoke to a friend who, at the end of a conversation, said "I've got something to tell you". Talk about ominous! Talk about how MANY thoughts can race through my brain in approx 2 seconds!

Her revelation was that her husband and her had moved to separate rooms after quite a few years of marriage (don't know the exact figure, but their oldest is about 19).

Without too many details, she spoke mostly of the bliss of having her own space for the first time since she was a daughter living at home. I'm going to guess about 30+ years ago. When telling me about the new arrangements the tone of her voice lightened and her adjectives became excited and happy.

Knowing my thoughts on the subject, she was very excited to tell me about the move.

Knowing my thoughts on the subject, I was even more excited to hear her tell me about the move.

It's not that I advocate and encourage people to sleep apart, it's just that I could hear the happiness in her voice and could relate to every aspect of what she was telling me. It's knowing that there is another person out there who can understand a little more of how I feel that gives me confidence in my own decision and my ongoing pursuit of normalising the behaviour.

PS - She said their sex life is better now. I say I've got one word for that - 'Yay!!"

Getting the message out there

With much excitement, I received an email this morning from the folk at www.mamamia.com.au notifying me that an article I submitted back in September of 2011 was to be finally published.

The article can be viewed by clicking here.

Not sure how long the link will be valid for, but the excitement of seeing some of my words published, and then seeing the number of comments (101 to date - 8.46pm, 10.01.12) the article generated will live with me for a long, long time. I think this could be considered one of those Mastercard moments.

I would love to include each and every comment in this blog, as I feel genuinely excited that my article elicited such a response. Many of the comments thanked me for raising the issue and 'putting it out there', and I guess that is one of the aims of my writing about the subject. Many social stigmas have been removed or at least ameliorated by being pushed into the public domain and challenged. And I feel I have joined the ranks of those who have pushed through a great barrier, forged a new path, saved some souls...... and I'll stop there and come back to reality.

It is a good feeling though, to know that something you feel so strongly about really resonates with others who share a similar struggle.

Even more exciting was being asked to do two radio interviews on the back of the article. I was seriously nervous, but really happy to be talking about one of my favourite subjects on the radio - with lots of people listening.

The first interview was with Perth ABC lunchtime show, and the second was on 2UE in Sydney. The 2UE interview was particularly exciting as I was interviewed by Ian 'Dicko' Dickson. With the legacy of those thoughtless comments directed at 'Paulini' on Idol in 2003, I was feeling a tad nervous. However, he couldn't have been friendlier or funnier.

It was all good.

So today I feel as though I have trumpted the message of separate sleeping from one side of Australia to the other!

(103 comments - 9.10pm. Yay!!)