10 May 2012

Tooting your own horn

An advertisement for Ikea caught my eye the other day. God bless the Swedes.

The ad was two alternating panels down the left-hand size of a website and they caught my eye.

The images both resonated with, and highly entertained me. Farting in bed - is there anything worse?

If forced (gun to head, about to shoot my cats as well, blah blah blah....) to choose between a snoring or a farting partner to share a bed with, I would choose snoring. Without getting into capitals and bolding text, I hate being forced to smell someone else's farts. And I hate it even more when it's in bed.

The even more galling part about it being in bed is the hilarity that my partners, current and past, have had and still do take from the act. And it's not just my partners who find it hilarious, most men tend to and an array of euphamisms have emerged over years and cultures to add even more humour (please, oh please let my sarcasm be evident) to the practice:

For your edification and enlightenment:

Fartin in da spoon
When you are with someone in bed, (spooned together) and one farts.
Warm the bed
The act of farting in bed in order to provide a more inviting environment for one's partner
Dutch oven
While lying in bed with another person, pulling the covers over someone's head while breaking wind, thereby creating an unpleasant situation in an enclosed space
Middle Eastern Steamer
When a person of middle eastern descent farts under the covers in bed then pulls the covers over their partners face to breath in and enjoy the aroma
Summer Breeze
A Summer Breeze is the act of farting in bed, fanning it at your partner with the sheets while singing Summer Breeze by Seals and Crofts
Hermit Crab
Where a single person, lies in bed, passes gas and then pulls the covers over their own head to enjoy their own essence.

While I have heard of (and experienced far too many times) a dutch oven, the other terms certainly formed a cultural learning from me.

So, some questions.

  1. Why are farts funny?
  2. Why do men in particular find farts funny?
  3. Why are they funnier in bed?
  4. Why does anyone think that it's ok to fart in bed when another person is trying to sleep?
  5. Why is it ok to kill yourself laughing when you fart in bed with another person in there?
Final questions on this topic.

  1. Who thinks the Sultan pocket spring mattress from Ikea would go anyway to improving the lot of those who sleep with brazen farters?
  2. Why do I like to sleep in my own bed and my own room?

And so I leave you with the immortal words of Donna Summer.... "Toot toot, beep beep."

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